Everything we know about the ancient world is derived from the very, very few works of literature that managed to survive through the centuries; the rest were burned at the Library of Alexandria in 48 B.C, or dissolved into dust centuries before the birth of Christ. Similarly, it’s possible that two or three millenia from now – when all the great art of our modern world has turned to ash and sun-damaged microchips and decayed celluloid – our illiterate caveman descendants will break into a vacuum-sealed fallout shelter made out of gold and discover the only existing remnant of 21st-century humanity: R. Kelly’s hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet, playing on an eternal loop on a nuclear-powered plasma-screen TV (with surround sound).
And would that be so bad? After all, Closet combines all the great art forms of our age: Music, serialized narrative storytelling, a novelist’s keen eye for detail, horrible dubbing, lyrics that don’t rhyme, nosey neighbors, Michael K. Williams, the recurring theme that everyone is everyone and yet no one, and little people engaging in pants-on bowel movements. Tragically, Kelly left his Dickensian epic unfinished, concluding chapter 22 in 2007 on a cliff-hanger: Every character – Sylvester, Bridget, Big Man, Pimp Lucious, Twan, even Twan’s baby – might be infected with the mysterious “Package.” (The “Package” could be HIV. Or it could be the modern melancholy of our American nation. Or maybe the “Package” is the “Nothing,” and Trapped in the Closet is a sequel to The Neverending Story, and the twist is that life is a neverending story, you guys!)
Now, though, R. Kelly has emerged from his remote mountain cabin – which he presumably shares with George R. R. Martin – and notified TMZ that he has conceived an incredible 32 new chapters of Trapped in the Closet. Apparently, he’s just waiting for an investor brave enough to finance this project. (Perhaps burgeoning film-geek superheroine Megan Ellison? Or maybe our government can put up the money? It would be just like the Works Progress Administration! Socialism is awesome.)
[Via The Guardian]
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