EW Staff
January 20, 2012 AT 12:00 PM EST

”Actually, it’s the opposite of a first date: You don’t want to have sex, but you do want a baby.”

—Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), explaining the pressure of meeting with prospective birth mothers, on Modern Family

”It’s true. I no longer have highly trained professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained professional assassins? No, they’re committed by friends and co-workers! That analogy was way better in my head.”

—Leslie (Amy Poehler) on Parks and Recreation

”There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.”

—Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

”Now she’s cavorting with dwarves? When did that happen?”

—The Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla), after seeing Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) with some of the seven dwarves, on Once Upon a Time

”To the children who loved Harry Potter, I want to say your enthusiasm was the real magic. I so enjoyed being on the journey with you. And to the adults who bought the Harry Potter books and devoured them, I just want to say, those books were for children.”

—Daniel Radcliffe, during his opening monologue, on Saturday Night Live

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