”The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever…. America hasn’t embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.” —Conan O’Brien on Conan
”Art’s got a big fat head, so this is gonna be good for him.” —J.J., explaining why Art won’t have trouble with the bottle-balancing dance, on The Amazing Race
”The closest I ever came to abstinence was no salt in my margarita.” —Cricket (Miriam Shor) on GCB
”Justin Bieber turned 18 years old today, which means he’s now officially too old to listen to his own music.” —Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live!