Dan Snierson
March 23, 2012 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Russell Brand arrested in New Orleans after allegedly throwing paparazzo’s iPhone through window
”I found five lawyers, four bail bondsmen, and three anger-management counselors fairly close to you,” Siri was last heard saying.

2. James Patterson donates 200,000 copies of his thrillers to U.S. troops to occupy downtime
”Thanks, just drop them over there,” mumbled the troops, never removing their eyes from a marathon of House Hunters International.

3. Universal rebooting The Cat in the Hat
”I know it was bad/And you pouted for hours/But we’ll have CG-cartoon fun/Without the guy from Austin Powers!”

4. Kim Kardashian calls Jon Hamm ”careless” for his ”f—ing idiot” comment
But mostly she was just stunned, wondering how on earth someone from the ’60s could know who she was.

5. Val Kilmer to star as Mark Twain in one-man play Citizen Twain
For his entrance, he’ll step out from between the trees and drawl, ”I’m your Huckleberry” before exhaling cigarette smoke and blowing you away.

6. Metallica to unveil ”sick as f—” 140-foot-by-50-foot stage this summer
And if a band member spirals out of control, they can all talk it out in their therapist’s office, conveniently located on the northwest part of the stage.

7. TBS greenlights King of the Nerds, battle-of-the-brainiacs show hosted by Revenge of the Nerds stars Curtis Armstrong and Robert Carradine
Because repeats of The Big Bang Theory just weren’t geeky enough.

8. As part of bankruptcy filing, Gary Busey passes financial-management class
In fact, he missed only one question on the exam: ”Where are you right now?”

9. TLC’s My Strange Addiction showcases woman who drinks her own urine and bathes in it
Please tell me she doesn’t drink the urine she bathes in, because that’d be gross.

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