Jordin Althaus/Fox
Hillary Busis
May 17, 2012 AT 11:25 PM EDT

Even Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t immune to the douchey charm of New Girl‘s Schmidt. Paltrow invited actor Max Greenfield to guest edit this week’s edition of her lifestyle newsletter, GOOP — and the result is Schmidt-tastic.

According to the newsletter, Greenfield and the character he plays might just be one and the same. “How much of my happiness has to do with the fact that I now e-mail with GP? It’s definitely a percentage,” he muses in his opener. “Be it a small one, this is my truth and I am okay with it.”

Greenfield goes on to extol the virtues of Thom Browne seersucker trousers (“a trouser that lets people know you’re down to party in the classiest way possible”), George Clooney’s home in Lake Como (“Can’t mess with a classic. Haven’t been yet”), and eight other things he likes in the most Schmidt-y way possible. He explains the difference between a throw and a blanket. He reveals that he has a tortoise shell iPhone case. I could not make this up if I tried.

At the end of the piece, Greenfield includes a short ode to self-awareness: “Knowing who you are is an important key to life,” he writes. “For instance, choreography is my Achilles’ heel. It’s nice to know that I can open up to you guys here on goop.” It’s a telling bit of rhetoric that might indicate Greenfield’s entire GOOP post is an extended goof on Paltrow — but I prefer to think that he really does have a lot of Schmidt in him. After all, that would mean that Schmidt sort of exists. And wouldn’t the world be a better place if all our favorite TV characters were real?

Read the full newsletter here. Actually, go ahead and bookmark it; you’ll need something to keep you occupied throughout the long, Schmidtless summer.

Read more:

‘New Girl’ season finale recap: Time To Make This Horse into a Unicorn

‘New Girl’: See how Fat Schmidt became Fit Schmidt — VIDEO

Gwyneth Paltrow launches ‘GOOP City’ app: First Manhattan, then the world!

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