Erin Strecker
May 18, 2012 AT 08:09 PM EDT

David Redfern/Redferns/Retna

Gilbert Gottfried is narrating the novel you’re desperately hoping your mom isn’t reading — Fifty Shades of Grey.

To be fair, the NSFW clip is a joke, and a pretty funny one at that, but I I could go my whole life without hearing Grey’s raunchiest lines narrated in Gottfried’s nails-on-chalkboard voice.

Check out — and get ready to cringe at — Gottfried’s narration below:

If the comedian hasn’t ruined the sexy-time fun for you, let’s daydream together. The official audiobook was released last month, as narrated by Becca Battoe. But if there were going to be a celebrity-narrated version (maybe for charity?) who would you love to hear lend their voice to Christian and Anastasia’s sexcapades? Alan Rickman? Sofia Vergara?

Read more:

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ goes audio — EXCLUSIVE CLIP

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’: Some of the novel’s funniest, least sexy lines

Barbara Walters talks ’50 Shades’ and sex on ‘The View’

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