Rob Kardashian has a dream. He doesn’t just want to make socks. He wants to change the way we think about socks. In last night’s episode of Kooling Off With the Kardashians, Rob returned to Los Angeles after a month of scouting out manufacturers in England, which as we all know is the home of many of the world’s great sock factories. Now, this is just a hypothesis based on extensive research, but I assume that Rob™ Brand Socks all come in different shades of neon. They’re emblazoned with conflict diamonds and Yukon gold dust and melted Rhino horn and crushed shark-fin. The best odor engineers in Orkney designed the socks with a heat-activated Beluga Caviar scent.
And there is a Shepard Fairey portrait of Rob’s face on top of every sock. So, when you put your feet up on your footrest at the end of a busy day, twin Rob Kardashians smile at you. It’s almost like they’re saying: “Yo, bro, I’m Rob Kardashian, and I approve of these socks.” Except Rob Kardashian doesn’t even call his socks “socks.” They’re more like foot-gloves, or toe-scarves, or shin-bling. Listen, I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that Rob Kardashian is the last American dreamer. And like all true Americans, he wants his mom to help him buy a house.
Unfortunately, Kris is too busy. She’s taking meetings with Babyface, which is the most exciting news of 1996. She’s working overtime to support the careers of her various daughters: Kim and Khloé and Kori and Koala and Kyu-Bert and Kajagoogoo. So her husband Bruce offered to help Rob. This presented a problem. Bruce doesn’t know much about houses, Rob explained: “He does his golf thing, and he knows about helicopters. But houses?” Now, we tend to make fun of Bruce Jenner in this space, possibly because he resembles Gary Busey with a Justin Bieber wig. But let’s all just pause to imagine Bruce Jenner on a typical Sunday afternoon in Calabasas, hitting golf balls at small children from a moving helicopter, screaming through a megaphone: “Hole in one! Hole in one! Hole in one!”
Rob wasn’t the only Kardashian child experiencing a crisis this week. Kim-Kim is going through a brutal divorce with the GEICO caveman. She called up her sister Khloé to complain. Khloé set her straight: “We have amazing lives. Let’s enjoy it and have fun.” So Kim went to the wig store and suffered a schizophrenic breakdown. She attacked her brother Rob while wearing a blonde wig, speaking in a Southern accent which hovered somewhere between True Blood and Deliverance. “Oh, honey booboo, chow what?” she said. She was just like Jessica Simpson, except without the sneak-attack business acumen. So really, she was just like Willa Ford. Rob refused to hang out with Kim unless she changed her shoes immediately. “Put on some flats and meet me at the house!” he said. “And when you put on those flats, why don’t you consider accessorizing with this neon-pink set of Rob™ Brand Foot-Gloves? I’m Rob Kardashian, and I approve of these Foot-Gloves.”
Kim retreated to Kourtney and Scott’s house. She put on a red wig. She said: “My name is Natasha. I’m on a secret mission.” Despite pretending to be someone named Natasha who was clearly Russian, she did not use a Russian accent — much like Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers. So she thought that she was Willa Ford and Scarlett Johansson in the same day! You laugh, but this is actually a common celebrity ailment. Josh Duhamel once spent an entire month believing that he was Ryan Reynolds.
Kris Jenner told her most profitable child: “You’re starting to freak me out a little bit with these wigs. Are you having an identity crisis?” In response, Kim put on a Kris Jenner wig, and said, “Are you having an identity crisis?” At this point, mother and daughter did a complete re-enactment of the mirror gag from Duck Soup. I hope that the rest of this season is just about Kim imitating everyone else in her family, but all of her imitations come down to slightly changing her hairstyle and modulating the decimal quality of her whines. Except when she’s imitating Kendall, she also starts walking around on stilts.
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