1. Up All Night, One Direction’s live DVD, hits No. 1 in over two dozen countries
You can thank millions of shrieking preteen girls — and 39 very misinformed fans of Will Arnett and Christina Applegate.
2. Reboot of Dirty Dancing delayed until 2014 at the earliest
Baby, corner. Corner, Baby. We’ll leave you two to get to know each other.
3. Dog Whisperer to be canceled after this season
Canines across the country lifted a hind leg, urinated on the TV remote, and stared at their owners while barking, ”Decipher that!”
4. Little-people advocacy group upset that Snow White and the Huntsman didn’t hire little people as dwarfs
”I can think of at least three roles I’d be perfect for!” huffed one allergic, drowsy, cranky small-statured man.
5. Amanda Bynes tweets President Obama, asking him to fire cop who arrested her for DUI
”Are we allowed to do that?” Lindsay Lohan asked her rep. ”And are we better off spacing out our requests or doing them all at once?”
6. Robert Pattinson: ”I don’t understand who invented that thing, ‘R-Pattz,’ I want to strangle them”
We totally agree, Guy From Twilight, it’s unfairly reductive and silly.
7. Mark-Paul Gosselaar says his quote that Saved by the Bell was ”not a great show” was taken out of context
What he actually said was that Saved by the Bell was ”not a great show when compared with every other TV show.”
8. Robert De Niro’s Upper West Side apartment damaged by fire caused by clothes-dryer malfunction
The lead arson investigator put his arm around De Niro and said, ”You learned the two greatest things in life: Never put silks on high, and always keep your lint trap shut.”
9. Remnants of Shakespeare’s first theater uncovered behind London pub
Further digging yielded the skeleton of a sixth Spice Girl and half of Madonna’s accent.