1. Justin Bieber cited for reckless driving on L.A. freeway in sports car
Though the officer put reckless driving in quotes on the ticket because the car was a Fisher-Price model.
2. Angelina Jolie dons impressive engagement ring in public for first time
How big? She wears it on her right leg.
3. Woman drops paternity suit against Rick Ross after DNA test confirms he didn’t father her child
And to celebrate, he’s just begun work on his new album, Teflon Dong.
4. Parolee arrested for allegedly breaking into home of ex-Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels, stealing her Bentley, and crashing it
If convicted, he faces up to 10 years of pedaling furiously on a stationary bike while being power-screamed at by Michaels.
5. The Amazing Spider-Man breaks box office record for Tuesday opening with $35 mil, earns $137 mil in six days
It was the first time in years that a Spider-Man production broke something that didn’t require an ambulance.
6. Chad Ochocinco marries Basketball Wives’ Evelyn Lozada; ceremony to air on their new VH1 reality series
The couple will honeymoon on a Dr. Drew show to be named later. (And if it doesn’t go well? Hollywood Exes.)
7. Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin pleads guilty to possession of cocaine
And that was this decade’s Puddle of Mudd update.
8. Homeland’s Claire Danes pregnant
Look, I know this sounds insane, but she’s faking it. I just need you to sign off on this wiretap so I can monitor the bump and…what? Yes, I took my medication! We’re running out of time!
9. One of Madonna’s MDNA tour trucks overturns on Swedish highway, causing rush-hour delays
Authorities were alerted to the accident after receiving multiple reports of a group of bare-chested men strapped to crosses wandering around exit 72. (The traffic-cone bras did come in handy.)