America! My future is in your hands!
For the last 14 years I’ve lived out of a suitcase, washing my hair with two-ounce bottles of shampoo and telling jokes nightly to hundreds (sometimes dozens) of strangers in front of a brick wall.
Well, now I’ve got a TV show on TBS called Sullivan & Son, and it’s very funny — TBS will remind you of that, a lot. It’s reminiscent of shows I grew up with — great characters, a sense of community, and laughs. Lots and lots of laughs. Your viewership is the difference between me going back to performing in front of a brick wall or upgrading to performing in front of a curtain. And as any stand-up will tell you, when you’re in front of a curtain, you’ve arrived.
Success will also help me attain other lifelong goals. With my newfound fame and riches, I’ll be able to develop a nasty drug habit and neglect my wife and child. Eventually I’ll leave them and take up residence at the Déjà Vu gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas. There I’ll fall in love with a 19-year-old Russian stripper with a hip-hop album she’s about to release, just in time to ring in my 40th birthday with a total breakdown, begging America’s forgiveness with shame and tears on The View.
But the first step is July 19, when Sullivan & Son premieres. Please watch it and put me on my way!