Annie Barrett
July 23, 2012 AT 04:09 AM EDT

All of those crazy kids’ favorite vamps, wolves, “unique” hairstyles, a bunch of promos for Fox’s fall TV lineup, and scores of unwanted brightly hued surfboards came out to party at last night’s 2012 Teen Choice Awards.

The X Factor‘s Demi Lovato and Glee‘s Kevin McHale co-hosted. Flo Rida, Justin Bieber, and Carly Rae Jepsen performed, and — get this — No Doubt sang live. Hey, it is the ’90s!

The full list of TCA winners is on page 3 of this post; my own personal winners of Fox’s two-hour telecast are below. By all means, list your own in the comments.

Choice Approximation to a Horse’s Ass

Demi Lovato’s head 

Choice Two-Toned Biceps

Ian Somerhalder

Choice Humanitarian / Surfing Unenthusiast

Kristen Stewart

Choice New Bangs?

Fox

Zachary Knighton (I prefer them side-swept).

Choice Suddenly Resembles Robin Tunney

Chelsea Lauren/WireImage

Zooey Deschanel

Choice Aggressive Face-Time Jockey

Michael Buckner/Getty Images for NATAS

Lucy Hale

Choice Talk to the Hand

Everett Collection

Crystal the Monkey (Justin Kirk’s Animal Practice co-star)

Choice I’m Too Old For This S—

Everett Collection

Shane West

Choice I’m Too Good For This S—

Justin Bieber

Choice I Will Blue Crush This Surfboard With My Meaty Paw

Michael Tran/FilmMagic

Thor

NEXT PAGE: Nice try, Stefano Langone

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