Annie Barrett
August 02, 2012 AT 11:59 AM EDT

Hot dog! This adorable, humble, well-spoken sex god who can’t believe he just struck gold is Nathan Adrian, the first American in 24 years to win swimming’s version of the “fastest man in the world” race — the 100-meter Freestyle. HOW CUTE IS HE?

The 23-year-old out-touched another insanely hot intelligent person, Australian world champion James Magnussen, in his first-ever individual Olympic final. “I almost started crying in the water,” Adrian told damage-monger Andrea Kremer after the race. AND HE CRIES, TOO! We have found the world’s most perfect person. We did it! Congratulations, everybody.

Move over, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. It is 100 percent Pure Adrian from now on. I mean, good luck in today’s IM final and all. But spoiler alert: Nathan Adrian wins. He’ll win all of the events in all of the sports that have yet to happen. I highly doubt any spectator, at least, would mind.

Here is Nathan Adrian’s bed. Send me your pic and I’ll photoshop you into it! No nudes.

Frederick Breedon IV/WireImage

What is this bed’s damage? A twin? Really? Our Wet Hot American Merman is 6’6″ — can you at least spring for an extra-long mattress? Loving that bedspread though. What the heck is going on in the widescreen cerulean box?

Enough. More swimming finals: Hungary’s Daniel Gyurta set the London Games’ fourth world record in the 200-meter Breaststroke. China’s Jiao Liuyang won the Women’s 200-meter Fly with tons of hair hanging out of her swim cap. That had to count as some sort of disadvantage (it looked like quite the mullet), so she deserves extra props or maybe just an extra cap.

Rebecca Soni, who I keep mistakenly assuming is Italian because of the last name and hot pink bodysuit even though I know she belongs to us, set a new world record in the 200-meter Breaststroke semifinal! And “The Smiley Group” — U.S.A.’s Missy Franklin, Dana Vollmer, Shannon Vreeland, and Allison Schmitt — trounced Australia in the 4×200-meter Free Relay.

“There’s Missy and her size 13 feet painted red, white, and blue,” Dan and Rowdy enthused before the race as if describing some ridiculous clown. I liked how they couldn’t figure out if Vreeland’s feet had left the block before she dove in after Vollmer on leg 3 — and then they quickly changed the subject, lest an Olympic official manage to worm his way into the three inches separating their red and powder blue polos and disqualify Team U.S.A. after the fact. Shhhhh. We won’t tell if you don’t, guys. Now stand a little closer.


Soni’s semi was pretty cool, I guess, but they could have just shown that race’s finish before tomorrow’s final. I don’t get the logic behind showing all those swimming semis (Phelps “let Lochte win,” snooze) instead of more events of the Men’s Gymnastics All-Around Finals! We ended up seeing less than 10 percent of the total gymnastics routines. Prime time completely ditched one of the two qualifying Americans, John Orozco, after the deadly pommel horse got the best of him. R.I.P. Orozco. We didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Ugh, the gymnastics coverage was so spotty and weird. Isn’t this supposed to be a major event? Tuesday night’s lady lovefest certainly was. NBC made sure to show all the routines in which another one bit the chalk dust, but this presentation provided zero suspense or context. The strongest connective tissue of the night was the never-ending story of American Danell Leyva’s co-dependent relationship with his “lucky towel” — a hideous threadbare tapestry of the sun, moon, and stars. I eventually forgot I was watching a world-class gymnastics competition and became wrapped up in the drama of a man basically tucking himself in to… a towel.


Oh! Goodbye, John! See ya never. Next time consider a towel.

Then, to make matters worse, Ryan Seacrest tried to come between the two lovebirds at a creepy pre-taped Miami luncheon. He’s such a flirt.

Keith Hamshere

NEXT UP: When is this medal ceremony gonna be over so I can get back to my towel?

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