Well, it’s the beginning of the end. Will Liz Lemon end up having it all? Only time will tell in this truncated final season of 30 Rock. But let’s try not to shed any tears. We’ll just enjoy the time we have left with Lemon & Co.
In the season 7 premiere, we learned Liz and Criss are officially “trying.” Jack’s divorce to Avery is official, and thanks to his friends in high places, that wedding technically never even happened! Kenneth and Hazel are roommates, and possibly in a relationship depending on which one of them you ask. Liddy won a bronze medal in Horse-y Jump-y at the baby Olympics. Jenna was busy planning her surprise, secret wedding to Paul. And Jonathan learned that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side (ahem, Whitney) and returned as Jack’s assistant.
Jack wanted to ensure he would run the network after Hank Hooper’s inevitable retirement. So he dug deeper into the crevasse, so to speak, and concocted a plan so ridiculous it just might work. He decided to purposefully tank the network, which essentially meant he would greenlight terrible programming Hooper would have no choice but to sell NBC. Lemon first balked at the idea of tanking the network, but then after seeing its success she decided to apply the same principle to her pending maid of honor duties for Jenna. No one wants to be the MOH for a “soul-sucking monster.”
I’ve made it clear how I feel about Hazel Wassername, so it was no surprise that I didn’t love the Hazel/Kenneth dinner party story line. Hazel threw herself at Tracy in an attempt to get a role as a villain in one of his upcoming movies. She’s totally awful, right? Maybe she’d make a good villain after all.
As always, 30 Rock delivered some fantastic one-liners. So without further ado, I present the 10 best lines from the season premiere:
++ “It’s nice to see you back at work and taking advantage of being in the greatest city on Earth, despite our tiny un-American sodas.” —Jack
++ “I will not have you telling me boat names in my own office!” —Jack
++ Jack: “They own their market. When was the last time you bought a non-Paas egg dying kit?
Lemon: “Try never. Paas is the best. Their wire egg dipper is tops in the industry, with the thinnest egg loop to reduce dye lines.”
++ “I’m sorta the black Tyler Perry.” —Tracy
++ Kenneth: “Tracy Jordan is coming to dinner! Just like in that episode of Family Matters when Tracy Jordan came to dinner!”
Tracy: “You know I wasn’t scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered on to set because Reginald VelJohnson owed me 40 dollars.”
++ “She wants her something borrowed to be Jessica Biel’s youth. I don’t know how to get that.” —Lemon about Jenna’s wedding
++ Jack: “I’m trying to get Hank to sell the network, and the only way to do that is to turn it into a money losing embarrassment.”
Lemon: “This explains everything. How long has this been going on? Seven years? Eight?”
Jack: “Six weeks.”
++ Kenneth: “Shall we conversation?”
Tracy: “Yes. We’re having weather.”
Kenneth: “Much weather.”
++ “You know I can’t wear green, Jenna. The Clinique lady says I have witch undertones.”
++ Tracy: “Come on Kenmore Washers and Dryers. Who you gonna believe here?”
Kenneth: “You’ve never been wrong about anything before.”
Tracy: “It’s a blessing and a purse.”
And as a bonus, all of the fake NBC programming featured:
++ Hunchbacks, starring Jonathan Silverman as Doctor Fantastico
++”Do you like the information channel you get when you stay at a hotel? Well Thursday is just that now.”
++ God Cop: “Crime just got a new worst friend.” With Jack playing, God, natch.
++ O.J. Simpson Live!
++ Rule of Threes
++ Oh, Brother. A comedy about two jive-talking con men hiding out in a monastery.
++ A show about a boy who befriends a talking panda, and they’re allowed to sleep in the same bed.
++ Joe Rogan is Mandela
++ Wednesday: Cricket night in America
++ A full hour of Gary Sinise’ band on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
++ Tank It, where they make grandpas put on tank tops and then laugh at them.
Well, PopWatchers, what did you think of the season 7 premiere? Did I leave out your favorite line? And am I such a terrible person for wanting that video of Taylor Swift getting hit in the face with a foul ball to really exist? Sound off in the comments below, and good peacock to you. I said good peacock.