SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t watched tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl you missed out on a wild soapy ride — complete with a death! So if you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read on.
Bart Bass, we barely knew ye. Well, actually, I take that back. We knew you quite well, and you were a terrible person. So R.I.P. — in Hell.
Yes, Bart Bass finally booked his first class ticket to the underworld in tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl but it was a long path to get there. In fact, at some points, I wasn’t sure if the gang was ever going to be able to get ahead of Bart’s game. Just a few minutes into last night’s episode, for example, the elder Bass was on a war path. He threatened Blair, had Nate “my head hurts when I spy and stuff” Archibald arrested, and tried to exile his own son.
At first, Chuck scoffed at the idea of being thrown out of the city, but after Blair was threatened, he began to fear that Bart would come after her. As a result, Chuck decided to comply with Bart’s wish and head for Russia. “It’s a small price to pay for your safety,” he told Blair. She tried to argue but her efforts were moot. Chuck eventually won the argument and bid her farewell in a ridiculously romantic scene on a tarmac. The entire time, I was waiting for “I Will Always Love You” to start playing.
After that, Blair, naturally, didn’t sit around and cry into a box of macaroons. She assembled her group of “bitches” (Ivy, Georgina, Serena and, ugh, Sage) and crashed Bart’s Man of the Year party with the goal of getting under his skin. It worked. But then news came down that Chuck’s plane had gone off the grid, and halted their grand plan. Dun, dun, dun.
Yes, Chuck’s father tried to have him killed, but luckily, he escaped before the plane went down.
Armed with new evidence of his father’s evil, Chuck resurfaced at the party just in time to tell the entire room of party-goers what his father had tried to do. Hilariously, the audience didn’t seem to care all that much. There were a few murmurs, yes, but once Bart dismissed Chuck’s outburst as a drug-induced rant, they carried on. Rude. Especially considering Chuck took the time to change into a tux after almost dying. He probably should have sandwiched his announcement between two pieces of information that would have actually mattered more to the crowd. “We’re out of champagne, my father tried to kill me, and I’ve burned all your furs!” It probably would have have gotten more of a reaction.
Their feud didn’t end on stage, though. There was a rooftop showdown — complete with a Star Wars-meets-soap musical score. One of the men was either going to get thrown off the roof or bitch slapped, Dynasty-style. It was the former. Too bad it’s Red Bull — not Bourbon — that gives you wings, Bart Bass.
Next week is the final episode of Gossip Girl, readers, and as we head into the final hour of our show, I’m curious about how you think it’s going to end. Is Chuck going to get arrested? Will he and Blair get their happy ending? Is Serena going to move to L.A.? Will Dan get a fiftieth chance with Serena? Will Nate finally get his brain from Oz?! So many questions! Theories below, please.