Jesse Cowell/My Damn Channel
Lanford Beard
January 23, 2013 AT 06:19 AM EST

Rejoice, Newbies! Jess got her own douchebag jar! Well, technically it’s an Annoyance Bowl — which Nick finds much less satisfying, perhaps because of the sheer glee Jess displayed while putting money in the bowl — totally at odds with the intention of the bowl. Still, how did it take this long for Jess to get the bowl? The singing alone could have bought them all a nice dinner at Outback Steakhouse by now. But I digress… All the roommates’ quirks were on display last night. But only in Jess’s case did the story nearly end in murder…

Jess arrived home in classic fashion — dancing, singing, and miming about making a breakthrough with her student Edgar (Nate Corddry). He’d turned in a first-person narrative about a plumber who stalked and repeatedly stabbed a deer with “too big” eyes.  Because Nick’s a crackerjack writer, one who “think[s] lyrically in terms of, like, poetic words,” he saw right through Edgar’s “amateur hour” font and his clumsy metaphors. Nick became worried about his roommate’s safety and vowed to take up an investigation.

It appeared Nick has been taking espionage lessons from Robbie as he headed to Jess’s classroom, donning some aviators and a baseball cap (that most impenetrable of disguises!) as he announce his undercover identity: “Julius Pepperwood, ex-cop, ex-Marine.” Pepperwood had a thick Chicago accent and made brassy statements like, “I’m from Chicago. Thin crust pizza? No thank you! I’m from Chicago.” Edgar arrived late, and “Julius” sidled up to him. He immediately noticed Edgar’s talent for drawing, specifically his sketch of a bleeding, big-eyed deer — with bangs!

After class, “Julius” distracted Edgar and snatched his notebook. Jess tried to retrieve it, but their weird keep-away dance in front of Edgar looked more like backdoor humping — a sight made worse when Jess halfheartedly lied, “He’s my uncle.” (That statement will make more sense when you read about Jess’s uncle Randy in Dotables.)

With Edgar’s composition book in hand, Nick appointed himself chief of the Doodle Police and began SVU-ing the heck out of that thing. Indeed, there were some scary sketches, and Nick made an elaborate presentation of them by spiderwebbing them with yarn he’d stole from Jess (thus breaking her only roommate rule). Ultimately, Nick the Private Dick decided to bust into Edgar’s house for more proof. Though Jess protested this would ruin her “connection” with Edgar, she eventually volunteered to carpool “for the environment.”

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