Mike Coppola/Getty Images
Adam Carlson
January 29, 2013 AT 05:44 PM EST

If you’ve never imagined yourself being attacked by birds while your lover waits next to you in the closet, well…you may want to start.

Dr. Ruth — professional therapist, media personality and old lady sex enthusiast — yesterday tweeted a handful of suggestions for how to do it (if you’re doing it), and she did us all the courtesy of personalizing them for the Super Bowl and Oscars.

That’s great! (If you’re doing it.) The biggest surprise: It sounds like the doctor is an Argo fan.

If Ravens win you hide in the closet, pretend ur about to be eaten by birds & ur making love for the very last time.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) January 28, 2013

Super Bowl bet: 49ers win by 20 you do 69.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) January 28, 2013

Oscar bet: Lincoln wins you have sex in bedroom. Argo wins u film yourselves licking maple syrup off each other in dark room.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) January 28, 2013

Read more:

Oscars 2013: Get to Know the Nominees

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