Dan Snierson
February 13, 2013 AT 09:14 PM EST

If you can find it in your heart to celebrate Valentine’s Day* a day early this year, your funny bone just might thank you. Tonight’s episode of Modern Family (9 p.m., ABC) is not only Cupid-themed, it veers from the show’s normal style of storytelling. “Heart Broken” will unspool each family’s story consecutively instead of cutting back and forth between them, and the three plots takes place on different days: Phil (Ty Burrell) and Claire (Julie Bowen) — or rather, alluring alter egos Clive Bixby and Juliana — kick off the festivities on Feb. 13, Gloria (Sofia Vergara) and Jay (Ed O’Neill) try to make the most of Feb. 14, and Cam (Eric Stonestreet) and Mitch (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) spend Feb. 15 cleaning up the mess of their wild party held the night before. Intrigued? Titillated? Etc.? Don’t answer yet. Mr. Burrell will now deliver a dozen roses hints about the episode to

1. “Clive and Juliana are two absurdly sexy ships that pass in the night, only this time one of them passes out.”

2. “Phil is so sexy that he puts Claire’s health at risk.”

3. “This episode could also be called ‘My Bloody Valentine.'”

4. Turns out the kids have a social life that Phil and Claire didn’t know about, which is most surprising in that it’s been happening in their own house.”

5. “Jay and Gloria’s storyline could also be titled ‘Valentinus Interruptus.'”

6. “Nothing will motivate speed baby-proofing like sex.”

7. “If people didn’t know already, both Gloria and Sofia love leopard print. In this episode, she wears very little of it.”

8. “Manny (Rico Rodriguez) has a secret admirer. Or does he?”

9. “Mitch invited Dylan (Reid Ewing) to be his and Cam’s new roommate. Or did he?

10. “There’s a heart-wrenching musical number about a tiny pink panther.”

11. “Who knew Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) was the heavy?”

12. “The episode is called ‘Heart Broken,’ but there are other things broken as well.”

Your final piece of preview comes in the form of video, and, yes, it includes the romantic stylings of Clive Bixby.

(*Complimentary Valentine’s Day tip, courtesy of Ty Burrell: “Cook for your valentine. It’s the worst night of the year to try to get a dinner reservation. In my case, my wife puts up with a very poorly cooked meal in lieu of a professionally prepared one.”)

Read more:

David Faustino to guest-star on ‘Modern Family’

‘Modern Family’: Did Jay forget Manny’s birthday?

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