Funny or Die’s feature-length Steve Jobs biopic starring Justin Long has arrived. It’s long. It features at least one scene of virtual sex and two acid trips. It’s not fair to call iSteve (written and directed by Ryan Perez) a 78-minute sketch — it’s actually a movie, mostly. (“Cut entirely on iMovie,” the credits tell us.) Long’s Jobs himself speaks to us from a velvety-dark room. Is it heaven? What it is is a version of Jobs’ life from the peanut gallery: He’s a “renegade, a rebel, one of a kind, a bit of a loose cannon, a maverick, anti-establishment, a free thinker, a genius of sorts, a craftsmen, an engineer, a prophet and a poet, rolled into one.” Everyone else is either writing him sad letters on notepad paper (hi, Steve Wozniak!) or giving him good ideas to steal. Like I said: virtual sex.
Here are the five best moments from iSteve’s, the not-exactly-definitive story of Jobs’ life:
Jorge Garcia as Steve Wozniak: Garcia isn’t quite iSteve’s secret weapon — he’s off-screen for the majority of the story’s second-half — but he is its one real novelty: a big guy so flattened by social anxiety that he begins and ends most thoughts with, “You can say no.” Even better: He isn’t playing Jobs’ down-to-earth co-genius conspirator. Instead, we first spot him meandering in the background of a shot outside Jobs’ house. He’ll later help Jobs launch Apple’s line of computers. But he’s so uncomfortable, man. We’d all much rather have Jobs on-screen. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! As Annie Leibovitz (Jill Donnelly) says, “We can all kind of feel your energy. It feels like a Wednesday.”
Steve’s first keynote: The eeriest thing about iSteve is how committed it is to Jobs’ blah-blah motto-istic speeches, which it embraces with a passion that inverts parody. That’s on ripe display at a recreation of Jobs’ 30th birthday, when he takes the stage to simultaneously thank his guests and unveil the first Macintosh. Or in his own words, “When George Orwell wrote about the year 1984, he envisioned a future where free thinking was against the law of the land. And a couple of years ago, it looked like computers were headed this way: the IBMs, the Hewlett-Packards, the Commodores — they were all stuck thinking inside the box. And then Apple came along. And we ruffled feathers, we rocked the boat. Yes, of course we cracked some eggs along the way. But with those eggs we made omelets and with those omelets we saved the world from Orwell’s 1984.”
George Lucas! Does his one-scene appearance need any introduction? A down-on-his-luck Jobs meets with Lucas for advice and counsel on his latest scheme, a pre-Pixar Pixar, after having been tossed out of his own company by a scheming, not-Pepsi executive named John Sculley. The conversation eventually turns to Lucas (natch) and his many new ideas for the Star Wars universe. Midi-chlorians, you ask? Why, they helped Jobs revolutionize the computing industry.
The “Get a Mac” commercials: Watching a crazy-eyed Jobs direct John Hodgeman and Justin Long in those white-walled commercials is the film’s funniest, most sustained sequence. It seems to climax with Jobs berating Long: “I don’t want to get a Jamba Juice with you, I would never get a Jamba Juice with youuu!” But that’s before Bill Gates (James Urbaniak) shows up to get even with Jobs for having virtual sex with his wife Melinda a while back. They slap fight and then Bill clocks Jobs out cold — walking away with the line, “Logout, shut down.”
Dell dude! He’s played by Nick Corirossi as a 20-year-old frat star self-starter who gives Jobs some much-needed inspiration. He wears a bad blonde wig for his entire scene. He says the world “hustle” one time. It is glorious.
Click over and see iSteve for yourself. What did you love?