I didn’t mean for this to happen, but after salivating (with a full stomach, gross) over contestant Jonny’s “Lobster Crackerjack” within the first few minutes, I found myself watching two full hours of MasterChef. The auditions are over and the finalists have been revealed. What else have you been missing? Spoiler ahead…
COMPLETE OUTRAGE AT ELIMINATED CONTESTANT The judges kept military man Howard, who sprinkled poached langoustine onto a SALAD, over finely tuned reality TV character Sasha, the sassy black woman who mixed the expensive shellfish into cheesy grits. Joe Bastianich threw Howard’s salad into the trash! The hell?
How do you get rid of a woman who delivers gems like “One doorknob hit you on the ass, another doorknob will open up and let you in?” And her last name was FOX? (Update: It’s Foxx, but still.) I’m stunned.
THE DESIRE TO EAT EVEN THE CRAP THE JUDGES SCOFF AT In what universe is White Chocolate Spaghetti With a Strawberry Puree and Lemon Cake “Garlic Bread” not at least intriguing? The air quotes alone make it a winner.
Do we need to start a ‘Grossest Thing I’d Still Eat of the Week’ category on PopWatch?
SPECIFICALLY, CHOCOLATE + BACON Tonight’s Mystery Box included a tomahhh-to, a potato, “some amazing bacon,” and chocolate. Gordon Ramsay denounced the chocolate as “the devil in the box,” but he’s clearly thinking outside the bag of chocolate-covered bacon potato chips with a side of no tomatoes… in my dreams. (I also didn’t think Jonny’s chocolate mashed potatoes sounded that gross. But I’m gross. I don’t know. I’d at least try them.)
THE CHANCE TO WATCH HERDS OF CUTE ANIMALS PRE-SLAUGHTER Dozens of sheep stormed the staging area before tonight’s lamb challenge. “WHICH PART. OF A LAMB. ARE WE GONNA GIVE YOU?” Ramsay screamed as the sheep crapped and peed all over Sasha’s shoes. “ALL OF THEM.” Suddenly the stage sheep were gone and we were just looking at cuts of meat. Magic!
TOTALLY RATIONAL HATRED OF NATASHA The 26-year-old stay-at-home mom has established herself as the season’s early villain. After winning the Mystery Box challenge, she attempted to sabotage Krissi (think a young Vinny’s mom from Jersey Shore, or more likely don’t) by choosing langoustine. It didn’t work, because everyone loves mac and cheese.
“I’m not here to just look pretty on camera and just chop some basil,” said Natasha.
This is Natasha:
Ugh. Favorites so far, though: Jessie (whose fried langoustine won the second challenge), boxing coach Bimi, and Jordan, who’s missing his late mom.
GORDON RAMSAY SEXY TALK “You’re playing a very dangerous game, stuffing your loin with sweetbreads,” he told returning contestant Luca.
POSSIBLY THE LONGEST ELIMINATION FAKEOUT IN HISTORY Gordon Ramsay winds up: “Luca. Listen. I know how hard you’ve worked to get here… You didn’t get this far last season, and you’ve worked so hard over the past 12 months. You know what? I know how much this means to you. But not everybody can come into the MasterChef kitchen. You’re a great cook. Lotta passion. Keep cooking. Please do not let this be the end of your culinary dream…….[swelling music]……..let it just be………..…..the beginning…………………..….CAUSE YOU’VE MADE IT!”
THE DEEPEST OF THOUGHTS Why would a vegetarian who’s going to apologize to everything she cooks try out for something like this? Has cute 22-year-old hipster glasses ambassador Bri been placed on the show by Warby Parker?
JOE BASTIANICH’S BLUE STEEL STARES I will never get enough.
Oddly, the longer and more murderous his stares get, the more you can assume he actually likes what he’s just tasted or heard. If he’s truly displeased, he’ll throw a fit immediately.
IS THIS SHOW EVEN ABOUT COOKING? Hardly!
The Season 4 Finalists are: Krissi Biasiello, Jonny Blanchard, Lynn Chyi, Natasha Crnjac, Bime Cruz, Sasha Foxx, Malcolm Green, Adriana Guillen, Eddie Jackson, Beth Kirby, Bri Kozior, Jessie Lysiak, Luca Manfe, James Nelson, Kathy Prieto, Jordan Roots, Bethy Rossos, Howard Simpson and Savannah Sturgess.
Overall, I’m glad I checked in! I love wondering if people are about to cry or die. How about you?