I ended up putting myself through another episode of one the worst reality shows of all time, because 1) I’m a disgusting masochist in general and 2) more specifically, having temped during the worst summer of my life at a nearly identical company two towns over in Illinois, these dummies felt like family and I had to find out what happened. BARELY ANYTHING! But before I hit “delete series,” here are tonight’s Winners and Losers.
The verdict: NO ONE was fired after all. Dema had to start coming in at 10 in the morning, and Uncle Mike and Zoe were put on probation.
WINNER: Kout, the mother of Dema Barakat, who runs Velocity Merchant Services, a credit card-processing company in Downers Grove, Illinois. She continues to make $77,000 for photocopying receipts, and people still have to walk on eggshells whenever she’s around (which is presumably, still, not that often).
LOSER: Dema for refusing to actually lower her mom’s salary by $20,000 as recommended by the rest of the staff during their reality TV-sanctioned power trip. (Or just fire her!) (But duh, it’s her mom. NEVER WORK WITH A FAMILY.)
WINNER: The smooth-talking salesman/phone gabber Uncle Mike, who used nearly getting fired to increase productivity and improve the company’s overall morale. Give him a raise!
WINNER AND LOSER: Zoe, the collections guy who didn’t do anything while he was employed, did even less for a few days on probation, and ultimately resigned. He’s a winner because he never has to deal with these people again!
LOSER: Sean, the slick-haired nerd with a severe Napoleon complex who spends most of his time pointing out everyone else’s mistakes. Like Lumberg on uppers. Yyyyyyeahhhhhh.
WINNER: A tearful Nancy from HR, who broke the tension among a wall of criers: “This is BULLS—! We are all upset too! Stuck in this room for two days…I can’t breathe. I gotta get out of here.”
LOSER: Hafez, Kout’s son and Dema’s brother, who had to run out of the boardroom in tears. Sack up and bawl your eyes out in front of your family and America like a big boy! (I believe this was also the guy who copped an “elimination fakeout” in the style of Ryan Seacrest or Gordon Ramsay when telling Zoe he was very sorry but………he still had a job.)
WINNER: Navied, who decided to cheerfully start fixing people’s computers again once the cameras came back to check on the company 90 days later.
MVP: Lorraine, the marketing director who probably does the most work at the company and makes one of the smallest salaries, for speaking out against the Barakat Mafia and ultimately keeping her job. If this were a movie, she’d be swept up by some fancy NYC firm after this turd aired. Unfortunately no one smelt it, so she’ll probably stay there.
LOSER: ANYONE STILL WATCHING THIS.
Did any of you survive? Is there anything redeeming about this mess?
Next week’s company, DFX Sports, seems to be paying people $10,000 salaries. I’m going to go cry now, again.