Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted last night with its seventh season premiere. Or was it the eighth season premiere? Shut up, stupid! Who’s got the time to learn how to count, when there’s so much happening in the Democratic Republic of Kardashiana? Kim is having a baby! Kim is still getting a divorce! Kim is buying a house! Also, there’s a lot of things happening with the other Kardashians. Just kidding. Actually, the other Kardashians remain frozen in reality-TV purgatory, forever forced to endure the same sitcom plots, thanks to a deal Kris Jenner made with the devil probably. Also, Kendall and Kylie keep getting more screen time. Pray for them.
Let’s stick to the most important story, shall we? Kim is having a baby with Kanye West, one of the defining musicians of the modern era. Kanye is mostly an offscreen presence on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, referenced often, but typically invisible. So Kim, who is feeling understandable stressed out about her pregnancy, had to go to her family for stress relief. Metaphorically, imagine that your arm is one fire, and in order to put out the fire, you dip your arm into a bucket of gasoline, and then Kris Jenner shows up with a flame thrower. Kim and Kanye have bought a beautiful new house, and their plan is to completely eradicate the entire house and rebuild it from the ground up. They’re going to have live greenery on one wall. They’re going to build a wall that’s 25 feet high. They’re gonna move the pool, because it’s not livable now. “The baby won’t walk for, like, two years,” said Kim. Pray for that baby.
Later in the episode, Kim went to get a sonogram so she could figure out the sex of the baby, presumably so she could come up with a “K” name and start the baby’s new bespoke brand of Baby T-Shirts. (Remember: “Koala” is a boy’s name and a girl’s name.) Kourtney and Khloé and Kris tagged along, because they don’t really have anything else to do. Turns out that Kim is having a girl, and they’re going to name the baby Eddard. Just kidding! I hope they follow the “Blue Ivy” model of naming their baby after their musical career. Her name could be Stronger Jam Westdashian. Hey, you laugh, but you won’t be laughing when you elect Stronger J. Westdashian President in 2044.
And now, it’s time for This Week In Hazy Kourtney Kardashian Screencaps. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is not:
See, Scott Disick kept on talking about how much he wanted to perform a sexual activity which is unrepeatable on this family website, so Kourtney decided to turn the tables on ol’ Scott, and god help me I don’t know what’s wrong with this country. Also, here’s Kourtney preparing to go on the Today show:
Anyhow, now that we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about motherhood or something, let’s cut over to Kris Jenner, who killed a Direwolf and made a blanket out of its fur.
The whole episode ended with Kim playing some of Kanye West’s music for little Stronger Jam. I like to imagine that Kim was playing The College Dropout, starting at the beginning of Kanye’s career and maybe playing the Ye-produced “This Can’t Be Life” and “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)” in order to put Dropout in the proper context. Who the hell am I kidding? Kim definitely just played “Theraflu” on repeat.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich