Thought that Battleship’s sinking would make studios think twice about searching for ideas in the toy aisle? No dice: According to The Hollywood Reporter, a proposed Hot Wheels movie – first floated two years ago – is finally getting off the ground. Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (28 Weeks Later) and Simon Crane (second-unit director of World War Z) are both in the running to helm the film, which Legendary hopes to get “revving” during 2014’s first quarter.
THR describes the movie’s script as “more Mission: Impossible than Fast & Furious.” All I really hope is that the storyline focuses on a dude named Wheels who’s hot.
Actually, strike that: I also hope this means that Hollywood is truly recommitting to the “retro toy pastiche” genre, which would pave the way for films like these:
Cabbage Patch Kids
A bleak, gritty adventure saga about a crew of cynical but resourceful tweens fighting to escape their dilapidated orphanage – a.k.a. “the patch” – and the clutches of its wicked director, Lavendar McDade (Charlize Theron). Think The Great Escape meets Annie, but utterly cheerless.
Sock ‘Em Boppers
They’re more fun than a pillow fight… until you’re fighting for your life. Stars
Taylor Lautner as the youngest drill sergeant in the history of the Sock ‘Em Bopper Academy, a secret government initiative that aims to turn innocent-looking inflatables into deadly weapons. Maybe Vanessa Hudgens plays a talented new recruit, or something. Think Top Gun, but just awful.
Go ahead, give your ball a whack – but you won’t like what throws it right back. A dilapidated mini-golf course on the edge of the Everglades suddenly finds itself overrun with hungry gators. Good thing the reptiles attack on the day that retired big-game chaser Marcus Hunter (Samuel L. Jackson) happens to be playing with his adorable 8-year-old granddaughter. Think Snakes on a Plane, but on the ground. And with alligators.
A group of identical, beautiful women with a diverse variety of careers – flight attendant, paratrooper, aerobics instructor, astronaut, McDonald’s cashier, president of the United States – go about their daily lives, completely unaware that they’re actually all clones. Think Orphan Black, but with bigger boobs.
Easy Bake Oven
There’s only one thing to look forward to each year in the small town of Butternut, Ohio: The annual Butternut Bake-off, in which teens and tweens compete for gustatory glory and valuable scholarship money. Can slacker Charlie Slump (Miles Teller) surprise everyone by winning it all – and defeating overachieving six-time winner Wendy Cook (Chloe Grace Moretz), who also happens to be his secret crush? Think Election, minus Matthew Broderick, plus cookies.
A found-footage horror flick that claims to show what happens when a kid really goes to sleep with a Furby in his room. After it lulls the child into a false sense of security with high-pitched coos and nonsense syllables, we realize that the creature is voiced by Michael Emerson. Think Gremlins, only scarier.
Picture this: It’s sometime in the future. Two ordinary teenage boys are plucked from obscurity to engage in the ultimate challenge – Crossfire, a battle of brains, brawn, and balls. Little steel balls. Two enter the arena; only one will leave with both his life and the adoration of a crowd thirsty for blood. Think The Hunger Games, but marginally different.
Hold up. I’m just describing this commercial, aren’t I?
Wait a minute.