Mandi Bierly
July 12, 2013 AT 12:00 PM EDT

Even if you’re not into sports, odds are you’d happily sit down with ESPN The Magazine‘s annual Body Issue. You might flip to the features, which include pieces on how a female athlete’s breasts can be an obstacle (p. 112) and why the 1,700-pound bucking bull Bushwacker “may just have the baddest body in all of sports” (p. 129). But you’re most likely headed straight to the nude photo spreads, which begin on page 51. (You’re welcome.) So you’re not “reading” alone, we’ll read along with you.

• Page 52: NHRA Funny Car driver Courtney Force’s body would seem to support her claim that drivers pulling 3 to 4 g’s are athletes. “A lot of people think you just sit in the seat and mash the throttle,” she told ESPN, “but you’ve got to have a lot of upper-body, core and leg strength to drive one of these 10,000-horsepower race cars.”

• Page 54: Washington Wizards guard John Wall is photographed in a bath tub with strategically placed bubbles. Or wait, is he holding himself out of the water? You have permission to study this photo and get back to me.

• Page 56: San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is doing a classic runner’s block pose, which you’d think would pull focus to the legs but instead draws it to his rippled abs. Oh, now the standing photo on page 58 is all about the thighs. He’s been working to make his legs “stronger and more explosive.”

• Page 60: Motorcross racer Tarah Gieger gets to wear footwear because she’s jumping her bike in the otherwise nude. Again, you see what kind of upper-body, core and leg strength that takes.

• Page 62: 77-year-old golfer Gary Player wants to show the world how fit you can be at his age. Also, what I imagine George Clooney will look like at that age.

• Page 64: Rock climbers Chris Sharma and Daila Ojeda. First thought: Ouch. Second thought: WHAT? To prepare to put all your weight on a hold that is less than a quarter-inch, Sharma says you have to be able to do a “one-armed, one-finger pull-up.”

• Page 68: Snowboarder Elena Hight also gets to wear footwear, obviously. And it’s amazing that snow magically covered her nipples!

• Page 70: Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton. Huh. Did they throw water in the vicinity of his manliness from both directions? Again, you have my permission to examine. The photo of him holding a giant earth above his head does little for me. Clearly, I’ve become desensitized.

• Page 72: Boxer Marlen Esparza gets to don gloves, obviously. Interesting to read her describe the first time she got hit: “I expected it to be like on TV — they get hit and just keep going. But I totally froze up; I couldn’t control my reactions. I would close my eyes a lot or be scared of the punch before it came. Now when I get hit, I don’t even notice.”

• Page 74: Beach volleyball star Kerri Walsh Jennings is photographed nine weeks after giving birth, while a shot of her pregnant graces one of the multiple covers. “Compared to the soul-shaking thing that is labor, everything else seems like mere flesh wounds,” she said of not worrying about getting injured in the sand. “Having babies makes me feel like Wonder Woman.”

• Page 76: Denver Nuggets forward Kenneth Faried — best smile so far. You don’t have to be so serious showing off your killer body, everyone.

• Page 78: UFC bantamweight title condor Miesha Tate jumps naked on a beach in Malibu, making me wonder if they set up screens or blocked off an area of the beach.

• Page 80: An ad, everyone. Did it get you?

• Page 82: I’m confused why we’re only seeing the top half of Toronto Maple Leafs’ left winger Joffrey Lupul. Do hockey players not have good legs?

• Page 84: I wish the photo was brighter so we could read U.S. national soccer team forward Sydney Leroux’s tattoos. I don’t care enough to Google though.

• Page 86: Tennis star Agnieszka Radwanska says she’s not as physically strong as other players, so she tries to make up for it with her creativity. Did she come up with this kinda lame idea to sit in a chair by a pool or hot tub filled with some tennis balls?

• Page 88: Ah, we can read Scottish golfer Carly Booth’s hip tattoo — which she said her father will probably be finding out about while reading this issue. Ha! I like her: She talks about walking on her hands at a nightclub (she doesn’t recommend it because of the dirty floors), but also about her middle brother, Paul, who has Down syndrome and wins medals in weightlifting and swimming, being a great example for people.

• Page 92: San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis is a painter! Also, he’s holding three footballs in front of his manliness — again proving everyone should just lighten up.

• Page 94: Tennis player John Isner gets to stand and play.

• Page 96: Chicago Sky forward/kidney cancer survivor Swin Cash shares some interesting psychological insight: “Someone once said to me, ‘You have to learn how to miss before you can make it.’ Learning to miss shots means that you let them go and you’re able to just keep that focus on the next one.”

• Page 100: New York Mets pitcher Matt Harvey shows the move I imagine all pro athletes have perfected: Holding the hotel room door open with your foot as you go to put your room service tray down in the hallway.

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