USA's 'Summer Camp' premiere: Bitchery in motion | EW.com

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USA's 'Summer Camp' premiere: Bitchery in motion

Summer Camp 101

(Isabella Vosmikova/USA Network)

“ATTENTION, LADIES. THE BANISHMENT IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.”

Aww, isn’t camp the best? That’s the voice of Matt Rogers, a former American Idol finalist putting his star vocals to the best use possible by belting out taunts through a loudspeaker. Welcome to USA’s Summer Camp – not to be confused with NBC’s Camp – where the perks of showing up to camp include a lovely lake, the sun, weekly color wars, the opportunity to meet other hot and obnoxious people (and a few token nerds), and the awakening of any and all terrible memories you once associated with sleepaway camp. SPOILERS ahead. Don’t worry, nobody drowned.

Eliminated: Meaghan (occupation: “flirt”), who showed up in high heels on the first day. I wrote “talks like her voice is about to fall out of her body” in my notes, but she quit doing that after the first scene. I think she had been melting in the sunlight.

Summer Camp is a guys vs. girls competition, at the end of which the remaining team members will SPLIT (the ultimate terror!) a quarter of a million bucks. So far there seems to be next to nothing going on save for a weekly challenge, so most of the show is just petty gossip within the cabins (all decked out with glamorous couch areas but no bathrooms, another ultimate terror), a lot of confessional exposition in which the contestants very aggressively define their own personalities to the camera (“I have no shame. I moon people!” gleefully announced Mikey B., “the smart ass”), and a color war challenge. This week, the teams had to get into rowboats and “fish” for members of the opposite team who were floating in tubes. It was really, really easy. No snags at all, even though the point of the challenge was literally to snag. The tubers attempted to thwart the rowers with measly water guns. So stupid! But sort of funny. This is like your typical competitive reality show just dunked into water again and again. Not necessarily refreshing, but dumb enough to vaguely appreciate in the middle of July from the detached dry zone of your couch.

The guys won the challenge. Guy power!

The girls had voted Brooke, a former “ugly duckling” turned model who grew up Mormon and clearly wants to spend the summer GETTING TRASHED, WOOOOOOOT!, to be their “counselor,” which meant she’d decide which two teammates to put up for elimination. Meaghan and Lauren got “banished” to the guys’ team; then they voted on who’d go home. Lauren, who will forever brag about being considered the biggest bitch at her high school, is by far the biggest bitch of the cast so far. Chris, a guy (thought I should clarify), declared that “Lauren has the personality of a doorknob,” which I think is a little unfair to doorknobs. She makes for good TV, though. There was never a reality show about doorknobs. And there shouldn’t be. But there probably will be, in 2019.

Lauren pleaded with the guys to keep her around, promising that she’d THROW CHALLENGES after returning to the ladies. What a cool girl. There is no humanity left, anywhere, ever. So the guys voted out Meaghan instead. Shame on that tease for being good-natured and not manipulative.

Line of the night from Lauren: “There’s pretty much nothing I’m not good at, but if there is, it’s probably stupid.” Just let that roll around in your noggin for awhile. Like three seconds. No, less.

But Meaghan’s best line certainly rivaled Lauren’s: “I tease my hair every day. I have a weird-shaped head and if I don’t do it, it just looks funny.” Does it?!? We will never know. I refuse to look it up.

It’s amazing! USA has found the very finest people in the U.S.A.

So far I’m excited about “Black Barbie” Isis, who is exceedingly proud of having won Miss Black California 2005, Cameron the Cowboy (casanova?), a 23-year-old virgin who will almost assuredly get laid by week 3, and Kyle “the Broadway performer,” who’s making Justin, “the hunter,” very uncomfortable with his gayness. “I’m letting the good Lord make his decision on Judgement Day,” said Justin. Agggggggh, the humanity.

Did you tune in? Was this a more settling camp-y experience than Wednesday night’s Camp?

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