Best Soul Train Redux
Bruno Mars’ Moonshine Jungle Tour (through Aug. 30)
Ballads, schmallads; Mars’ live show — backed by a supertight eight-man live band in matching maraschino-cherry suits — is a disco-funk inferno. (Also: Prepare for the awesomest co-opting of Ginuwine’s ”Pony” since Magic Mike.)
Best Dance Album Teleported From 1979
Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories
The French robots’ retro masterpiece whisked us away to disco’s salad days, back when salads didn’t have all that pesky kale in them.
Best Dance Album Teleported From 1995
Zero amounts of dubstep wubba-wubba or Skrillex-y squiggles — just perfect old-school house music.
Thanks For The Mammaries Award
Robin Thicke’s ”Blurred Lines” video
They’re real, and they’re spectacular.
Thanks For The Mammaries Award (Art-School Edition
Justin Timberlake’s ”Tunnel Vision” video
JT totally isn’t in it for the jiggle, okay? This is art. He puts his naked ladies in a dark room, projects a light show on them, and adds some smoke and shadows. Voilà! Les boobies.
Worst Appropriation of the Word Smurf
Right Said Fred’s ”I’m Too Smurfy” from the Smurfs 2 soundtrack
Seriously, guys? You just blue yourselves.
Best Mariah Carey Single
Ariana Grande feat. Mac Miller, ”The Way”
Who knew that a Nickelodeon star who wasn’t even born when Carey’s first two albums came out would make the hookiest classic-Mimi jam of the season?
Second-Best Mariah Carey Single
Mariah Carey feat. Miguel, ”#Beautiful”
This retro-soul throwback hardly sounds like Mariah at all — but it’s also approximately 9,857 times better than her previous single, the inaccurately titled ”Triumphant (Get ‘Em),” so we’re happy.