Annie Barrett
August 19, 2013 AT 12:00 PM EDT

Next Monday is the season finale, so I thought it’d be a good time to check in on the festering barnacles of Bravo’s Below Deck. This week, Captain Lee goes golfing with the enemy (a group of miserable vegans who yell at their spoiled daughter for wanting to eat a damn egg), Aleks catches C.J. and Sam drinking beer in the sea (because there were camera crews egging them on, and why not), and Chef Ben engaged in some Real Talk with hot mess Kat, informing her, “When you drink, you turn into a trailer park, demonic, white trash refugee.”

Harsh but true. Chef Ben Robinson (pictured, far left) was on a roll tonight (and for the whole season, really — I have shamelessly kept up). He’s easily my favorite “character” and I find it fascinating that — barring tonight’s four-foot-tall pot fire — his professional performance is never the instigator of drama on the show. He’s clearly so good at his job, when most of these cretins aren’t. That’s very refreshing!

“There’s nothing like a fresh peppah!” Chef Ben announced as he and new sidekick Adrienne visited a hydroponics farm on Anguilla. “The gooseberries taste like gooseberries!”

Most everything the Willy Wonka of yachties says is a delight. “I didn’t become a shrink for a reason,” he drawled in that singsongy British accent of his. “I’m not here to psychoanalyze or diagnose Kat’s behaviour.”

And re: the dysfunctional charter family: “I’m only looking at them on paper, but I already pretty much hate them.”

Meanwhile, life-size Peter Pan figurine C.J. was outed as a terrible kisser by Sam the giant tease, who dislikes that her man toy “leans in 100 percent” and just attacks instead of meeting the lady halfway. So why does she stand/tread water for it? They’ve both refused to acknowledge authority all summer and in many ways are kind of perfect together despite being total nightmares in general. There’s one charter left, so C.J. and Sam need to decide whether to take this week’s full tip and leave now (dishonorable discharge) or get docked $200 and stay for one more trip.

“I think he’s a total douchebag,” Captain Lee remarked upon hearing C.J.’s “no amount of penicillin would bring me back this time” excuse for why a past blood infection should prohibit him from scraping bacteria from the bottom of the boat.

“I thought that was total bulls*it — which is what I think C.J. is comprised mostly of,” said Lee. Ha!

It struck me during one of the few times he spoke up that poor Eddie (pictured, far right) is way too grounded for this show. He works hard and never complains, unless it’s about wanting to work harder. Despite being the cutest, he’s way out of his league on reality TV.

Line of the night goes to Dave: “What do you call it when someone’s vegan but will still wear animals? Stupid?”

Are you watching? Isn’t C.J. the worst? Will these guys EVER make a decent tip? Discuss!

You May Like