TLC (The Lookatthisfreak Channel) aired an hourlong special Monday night about Wesley Warren Jr., a 49-year-old Las Vegas resident who was living with a rare medical condition called scrotal lymphedema. I can’t imagine tuning into this programming unless you were in the mood to be depressed and/or horrified. So here we go…
The Man With the 132-lb. Scrotum’s Most Depressing and Horrifying Moments
–Realizing throughout the special that I felt bad for Warren but REALLY bad for all of those innocent hoodies.
–Warren creating his own British tabloid headline: “Man Eats Dinner Off of Enlarged Testicle Sac.”
“There are so-called ‘chubby chasers’ out there, I suppose,” said Warren. “Maybe I’ll meet somebody that’s blind.”
–“I believe it’s…one ball,” said a badly informed newscaster in a series of media clips following Warren’s emergence on social media. Also….
–The name of the Facebook page. And the header image. And the stupidly festive “SUMMER!” TLC logo in the corner. This whole world is going into the poo bucket.
–Warren reading aloud from an upsetting newspaper column: “HE IS ADDICTED TO THE FAME HIS GIANT NUTSACK BRINGS.”
–“With his scrotum growing daily, Warren is running out of time.” (Could technically be true for any living person.)
–“Why you think this is here, huh?” said Warren’s aunt, his only remaining connection to family. “This is because you know Satan. But Satan is a liar. He steals… he kills… he destroys everything he touches.”
Subtitles never lie.
–During his initial consultation with Dr. Joel Gelman, who would agree to perform surgery for free, Warren REQUESTED TO KEEP THE TISSUE from his ball sack once it had been removed so he could AUCTION IT OFF to help pay for the surgery.
–The infectious tissues would be a liability for the hospital, said the doc just before his head exploded.
–The only facility with the capacity to weigh Warren before his procedure was a local recycling center.
–He weighed 551 pounds, or “three adult males of average size,” claimed the narrator. “ONE OF THEM. Is hanging between his legs.”
–Warren assuming/hoping that his penis, which had been buried deep inside the growth, might have been the thing trying to poke out near the surface, over 12 inches from his body. “That would mean your penis would have to be extremely long,” offered Dr. Gelman. “It’s just a protrusion of skin.”
–THE BALLS HAD THEIR OWN WHEELCHAIR.
–“So I’m missing two hours of Dallas tonight,” Warren complained after hearing his surgery would last 12-15 hours instead of 8-10. “Unless the surgery’s not too successful. Otherwise I’ll never see Dallas again.”
But the blurry television special had a happy ending! Warren made a speedy recovery and, five weeks after the surgery, drove out to a mountain overlook to watch the “enormously breathtaking” sunset behind Las Vegas. “Oh, God, what f*cking beauty,” he raved. “If somehow, some way, I can stumble upon love – I think I can one day be happy.”