Dan Snierson
August 30, 2013 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Two weeks after CBS buys Wizard of Oz-themed medical soap Dorothy, NBC greenlights Oz-themed drama Emerald City
Before you get too concerned, you should know that the History channel is not moving forward with Yellow Brick Road Truckers.

2. One Direction’s Zayn Malik gets engaged
Wait, I’m confused. Am I supposed to shriek excitedly and jump up and down…or tear all his posters off my wall, hurl myself onto the bed, and sob into my pillow?

3. Kiss-themed coffee shop in Myrtle Beach, S.C., closing due to declining sales
So if you’re in the market for a couple hundred Gene Simmons tongue stirrers or ”Cold Gin”-gerbread lattes…

4. E! to air Party On, travel series that shows off glamorous hot spots around globe
But its real mission is to find a passed-out Tara Reid somewhere on the planet.

5. Atlanta to host Walking Dead-inspired zombie convention in November
It’s like Comic-Con but with moldy, rotting people, so it might actually smell better.

6. Dentist who won John Lennon’s tooth at auction working with scientists to clone him
”I was worried that buying the tooth wasn’t creepy enough, so this just felt like the logical next step,” the dentist explained.

7. George Lucas buys $10 mil of Starbucks stock
But he can’t throw 50 grand into the only coffee shop in Myrtle Beach that rock & rolls all night and grinds it every day?

8. Celebrity gift bag for MTV’s VMAs includes self-help book about ending addiction
They initially considered giving out The 7 Habits of Highly Affected People.

9. Donald Trump and his university sued for $40 million over allegedly bogus seminars and programs that cost up to $35,000
Though Trump denies the accusations, he will offer a $599 seminar: How Not to Get Scammed by Celebrity Mogul Seminars.

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