The world was rescued from unspeakable evil today thanks to the daring bravery of Batkid, a pint-sized superhero who spent the day saving Gotham City from two different supervillains, not to mention saving all our hearts from cynicism. As you probably know if you’ve been on the Internet or spoken to anyone in the last 24 hours, Batkid is in fact a five-year-old boy and leukemia survivor named Miles who wanted more than anything to be Batman, and I’m not crying guys, seriously, I just have something in my eye.
As reported by the San Francisco Chronicle, that wish was granted by the Make-A-Wish foundation, which has apparently achieved such cosmic power that it was able to get every single person in San Francisco to play along with Batkid’s epic live-action adventure. The lil’ hero’s journey took him all around the city. Meanwhile, his legend spread even further to the very highest reaches of our government, offering our divided country the rare opportunity to join together in joyful praise and good cheer, Jesus I’m not sure where these tears are coming from, I think maybe somebody is cooking onions and playing Sigur Ros or something?
It all started with a Gotham citizen held victim on the cable car tracks, with one of the Riddler’s devices strapped to her back.
But who could save her? Who, I ask you? Who?
Oh dear god. Oh dear god, that’s adorable.
So he saved the damsel. Okay, whatever, that’s a pretty solid day-in-the-life of a superhero.
The Riddler! Oh man, guys, the Riddler! The Batman never got around to defeating the Riddler in the Dark Knight trilogy, but no criminal is too fringe for Batkid. Apparently the Riddler was robbing a bank in the Financial District. Cue Batkid!
He put the Riddler behind bars. Now, this is about the point when Batkid started to attract a crowd that appeared to number in the hundreds of thousands, roughly, all of them cheering on this heroic little boy, not crying not crying not crying.
His little brother was dressed as Robin. Not crying not crying not crying.
This is about the moment when the Penguin showed up and kidnapped the Giants’ mascot, which is apparently a seal named Lou, get it?
OH MY GOD BATKID SAVED THE SEAL AND NOW THE BIG FUZZY SEAL IS HUGGING HIM YOU GUYS.
Batkid, no! Your secret identity!
They printed out lots of fake newspapers with the headline “Batkid Saves City,” credited to a reporter named Clark Kent. I can’t even find the strength to point out that Clark Kent is from Metropolis, because I’ve lost all ability to do anything except for smile with tears in my eyes and believe in hope again for the first time in forever.
This is about the point when the entire world started gathering at the Civic Center to thank this brave little child, not crying not crying not crying.
Oh my god they’re giving him the key to the city.
Oh my god he’s doing the Bender fist-pump from Breakfast Club.
OH MY GOD IT’S THE FREAKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
Over. Done. Finished. Bless you, Batkid. And God bless us, every one.