Chris Nashawaty
December 20, 2013 AT 05:00 AM EST

Ay-yi-yi, where to begin? Not only was The Counselor the worst film I saw this year, it also contained a scene that was so painful to sit through, I felt embarrassed for a person making millions of dollars to be in it. Cameron Diaz plays a gold-digging man-eater who tries to seduce her boyfriend (Javier Bardem) by performing a striptease on top of his Ferrari. Actually, striptease is the wrong word. She basically has sex with the car. After slinking onto the hood on all fours, Diaz writhes spread-eagled on the windshield like a randy Romanian gymnast gunning for Olympic gold while Bardem looks on in numb horror. Afterward, a disgusted Bardem tells his lawyer (Michael Fassbender), “You see a thing like that, it changes you.” I know just how you feel, buddy.

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