Very few people will be searching for recaps of Toned Up, Bravo’s new late-night dump reality series, which features two super-hot women who’ve become super-rich YouTube stars simply by unrolling their yoga mats and doing basic exercises in unison….on the beach! Who doesn’t want to go to, or settle for just staring at footage of, the beach? They’re geniuses. Stupid, silly, frequent kitten-impersonating geniuses, living out the dream we all should have thought of first. Anyway, I had to tune in for selfish reasons, since we’re practically neighbors and I’ve seen them filming their YouTube stuff during my sluggish sunset shuffles along the sand. I thought I might catch a glimpse, in the distance of their gleaming abs, of my big sweaty head and one of my signature aggressive lycra situations.
But since I watched it, I might as well post about it. Toned Up actually got a little better when I let my vision blur a little and imagined the pair was Leslie Mann and Chelsea Peretti doing a parody of two girls with a YouTube workout channel. (Not that they would ever stoop to this level — but I would totally watch that.)
The main sandy butt-thrust of the series is that these two exercise entrepreneurs — Karena and Katrina — are best friends. But they’re so close, and their relationship so behaviorally symbiotic, that at times I could not remember which K was which.
Here’s a handy guide!
Katrina is the one who just touched Karena’s boob.
Karena is the one who thinks animals make great weights.
Katrina is the one with the fiancé, Brian, who’s lived with them in their Manhattan Beach Barbie Dreamapartment and does not put up much of a stink about the girly “rustic beach” decor. It’s not that he needs, “like, football posters and an armored man standing in the corner.” Just a regular man standing in the corner would be fine; maybe they could chat once in a while.
Because disinterested Kat, along with disinterested Cat, will barely speak to him either.
Katrina is the one who loves online shopping because “it’s, like, presents show up at the door.” (TRUE.)
Karena is the one whose car accidentally called an ex-boyfriend after she so nicely asked the “directions to get address.”
Katrina and Katrena are both the ones who “forgot to tweet” the new address of their free meetup/workout sesh in Long Beach.
Karena is the one who dug a hole and peed in the sand. She just didn’t wanna walk from their private holding tent all the way to the public johns!
“Some might say…. the beach is just one big, giant litterbox.” –Karena
And finally, Katrina is the one who eats jicama (pronounced “ji-cah-mah” by Karena, who thought it was okra) in Whole Foods, because she assumed it was fresh coconut instead.
Did we all learn a lot? I know I did.
I may continue to watch Toned Up for the solid beach scenes and picturesque validation of my own (lesser) workout regimen. But I shan’t subject you innocent folk to this dark habit again.