Nicole Sperling
February 21, 2014 AT 05:00 AM EST

Reason 1
“We’re going to have the even more relaxed McConaughey. We’ll have the McConaughey who is relaxed at X-Men levels. He practically has relaxation superpowers.”

Reason 2
“No songs. I personally will not be singing anything. I would never inflict that on the public. Me singing would be the equivalent of a hate crime. No dancing, either. I’m going to try to move as little as possible. I’m going to go out there and plant my feet, and if they give me a stool, I’ll use that, too.”

Reason 3
“There will be way less Botox and plastic surgery. I think on a person-by-person basis, we will have much less [cosmetic enhancement] than that other awards show. That’s a plus. I like people looking like human beings. Aging is beautiful.”

Reason 4
“To see my attempts at jokes about 12 Years a Slave. I don’t know if I can pull them off, but you’ll know on March 1 if I’m successful.”

Reason 5
“I’m a cuter lesbian than Ellen DeGeneres.”

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