Hillary Busis
February 25, 2014 AT 10:10 PM EST

Get on Frank Underwood’s bad side, and he might just brutally murder you. If you’re lucky, though, he’ll simply respond with a catty aside to a camera you can’t see — which, in its own way, is just as harmful. Maybe. (Wait, no, it isn’t at all.)

Anyhow: If you’re yearning to see a version of House of Cards that excises all the boring political intrigue and visits to superhackers and long shots of people staring, smolderingly, as they plot their revenge, you’ve come to the right place. Our latest supercut is nothing but Cards at its best — that is, Frank breaking the fourth wall and making like a bitchy southern belle who’s just emerged from a particularly taxing Junior League meeting. He’s sort of like the Dowager Countess of Washington, D.C., except the Dowager Countess stages fewer suicides.

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