Dan Snierson
February 28, 2014 AT 05:00 AM EST

1. Pharrell auctioning off hat he wore to Grammys for charity
Smokey says: Only YOU can prevent underbidding.

2. J.R. Ewing Bourbon to hit stores, pegged to season 3 of Dallas
Not only does it have a smooth finish, but when you return to the room and find the bottle empty, you can try to solve the ultimate cliff-hanger: Who did a shot of J.R.?

3. VH1 orders new reality series Naked Dating, on which male and female contestants will each date two naked suitors
And you can see everything, right down to the hole where their soul tunneled right out of their body.

4. Beck says he turned down offer to write Mad Men theme song
He just felt he couldn’t capture the essence of the exquisite retro drama with lines like “Where it’s at/ We got two Don Drapers/And a rack on Joan.”

5. James Franco pens New York Times op-ed on Shia LaBeouf, hopes ”he is careful not to use up all the goodwill he has gained as an actor in order to show us that he is an artist”
Franco then resumed work on a slam-poetry interpretation of a documentary about a “spoken-word painting” featuring all his roles as depicted by both Plato and a cat that looks like Wilford Brimley.

6. Ted Nugent apologizes for calling President Obama ”subhuman mongrel”
But still has no regrets about naming one of his songs “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”

7. Wes Anderson commissions creation of cologne L’Air de Panache, as seen in The Grand Budapest Hotel
It sounds more intriguing than his last tie-in fragrance, The Life Aquatic‘s Eau d’Eau.

8. Punk rockers Rocket From the Crypt will no longer honor promise to allow free concert admission to fans with tattoos of band logo
In other news, anyone with a Nickelback tattoo is still being asked to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

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