EW Staff
March 14, 2014 AT 04:00 AM EDT

“Wine is not beer, and popcorn is most definitely not food.” —Jake (Scott Foley), complaining about Olivia’s (Kerry Washington) understocked fridge, on Scandal

“What’s this — kebabs? Really, Kate, you might as well just hand them swords.” —Diane (Marcia Gay Harden), judging Kate’s (Malin Akerman) party planning, on Trophy Wife

“She was dynamite in the sack, by the way.” —Gustave (Ralph Fiennes), about an 84-year-old guest, in The Grand Budapest Hotel

Seinfeld had the puffy shirt, Home Improvement had the neighbor talking over the fence, and we have very graphic sex scenes — that’s our thing.” —Lena Dunham, discussing Girls during her monologue, on Saturday Night Live

“Must I do everything? Shall I catch my head in my own hands, too?” —Queen Catherine (Megan Follows), multitasking before her scheduled execution, on Reign

“Withdrawal symptoms can’t really be stopped with a cable-knit.” —Spencer (Troian Bellisario), talking rehab fashion, on Pretty Little Liars

“This is my feelings wheel. Because we’re hanging out together, I’m coloring in excited, comforted, and fulfilled. I’m totally fulfilled!” —Marcus (Benjamin Stockham), to Will (David Walton), on About a Boy

“That’s me, Watson: joke machine.” —Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller) on Elementary

“Miami police are releasing a video of Justin Bieber urinating in his jail cell. In other words, they’ve got streaming video of Justin Bieber.” —Conan O’Brien on Conan

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