Christos Kalohoridis/The CW
Samantha Highfill
March 21, 2014 AT 04:57 AM EDT

Welcome back to France, where being a royal is as difficult as it is sexy, and there are two ways to die: Either The Darkness gets you, or Henry kills you after (or during) sex. I don’t know about you all, but if I had to go, I would choose option B every time (and maybe twice). Then again, The Darkness only kills those who see it, so perhaps I would just shut my eyes and go hang out with Leith. But enough about me, let’s get down to business!

The episode kicked off with a bang — get it? — when Henry had a proposition for Kenna. Well, not so much as a proposition as an order of sorts. He’d hired a very expensive, very pretty prostitute to join them for a little threesome. And this is where I have to comment on how much I love how this show pushes the CW’s sexual envelope. Speaking of which, if they’re ever going to release an uncensored version of an episode online, can I request this one? Thanks.

The castle event of the week was something called First Light, which was all about finding a suitor. If a man liked a woman, he’d give her his candle to show his intention to court her. If she accepted, she’d place the candle in the window. And for Lola, who was looking to find herself a quick marriage to cover up that growing baby bump, First Light seemed to be perfectly timed. And Mary even had a suitor in mind. His name was Phillip. Mary and Francis had met him on their travels. He seemed kind enough (and attractive enough), and he too was in a rush to be wed in order to keep his inheritance. He offered Lola his candle, which she accepted and placed in her window.

Meanwhile, Greer wasn’t looking to accept a candle. After a morning rendezvous with the adorable Leith, she received a letter from her family back in Scotland. We later learned that the letter was meant to inform her that her family had found her a suitor. She was all but engaged. And that meant she had the First Light ceremony to finish her relationship with Leith. And with Lord Peppercorn back in town to try and win her over, she managed to get Peppercorn to offer Leith an apprenticeship in Spain. That way, he could work his way up to the merchant class, and she wouldn’t have to worry about breaking up with him. Ugh, I don’t know about you all, but I love these two. LOVE. Screw society! Be together! (Is that possible? Who cares! And they can’t leave things with him telling her that he loves her, can they?!

In the castle basement, Olivia, with her crazy hair, was looking like the bride of Frankenstein as she told Nostradamus all about The Darkness, which is a creature. She told him her story about how she’d run from Clarissa into the woods, where she was captured. Then she was chained up, and The Darkness would feed on her every night. After not eating for months, she lost so much weight that she was able to slip out of her chains, and that was how she escaped. Now, she believed there was evil within her. At least until Nostradamus baptized her and told her that evil was a choice. She hugged him, and made some weird comment about being with him. So basically, we’ve got a stage five clinger (minus the virgin part) on our hands who will more than likely boil a bunny at some point. But at least her hair looks better, right?

In the woods, Bash was prepared to leave Rowan and her family behind when they found blood on the door of her house. It meant her family had been chosen. One of them would be sacrificed to the darkness. Poor Bash was all, “I won’t let anyone hurt you or your family,” which just made me chuckle. I love how strong Bash thinks he is. It’s ridiculously cute. Also, how quickly did he change his mind? It clearly doesn’t take much. Then again, I guess you could argue that a death threat is more than “much.”

But you know what’s worse than a death threat? Actual death, which is what Kenna woke up to when she realized Henry had strangled his very expensive prostitute. She went straight to Catherine to talk about how the king’s “sexual appetite appears to be growing.” But when Catherine brought it up to Henry, who hadn’t been sleeping, he was more worried with the state of nations, not house guests. Housekeeping was her domain. Also, what did she mean when she said his water “has run black”? I either need a time machine or a translator, please. (Preferably the former.)

In Lola’s room, Francis stopped by to pay his friend a visit. He told her that he wants her to be happy, and he’s not sure Phillip’s the right man. But when he brought that idea up to Mary, she immediately got angry. What’s wrong with Phillip? Well, for one, he prefers to have men in his bed. Of all the things he could’ve said, that’s the one no one could argue with. Also, important note: Gay men do not bother Francis — he was ahead of his time, that one! Another important note: He finally ‘fessed up and told Mary about sleeping with Lola. She was pretty awful at pretending like she didn’t know, which made her angry with Lola. Francis had just given her a great speech about being completely and utterly hers, and she’d had to lie to him.

Pissed off, Mary went to Lola to inform her that she was going to fix her mistake before it ruined Mary’s marriage. If Phillip proposed, Lola was to accept, or else Mary would tell her husband the truth. But thankfully, when Mary returned to her room, her romantic husband was waiting for her. He apologized for forgetting to give her a First Light candle the other night, so instead, he gave her 100. They kissed, but she stopped him from undoing her dress. Somehow, she was sure they weren’t going to make a baby that night. Then Francis swept her off her feet with this one: “I don’t make love to you because I want a baby. I want a baby because I love you.” Well done, Francis. Well done! Also, for a show with this much sex, it sucks that they have to wear the world’s most complicated clothing. But once again, a very suggestive scene. Way to push that envelope, Reign! I like it!

Out in the severely less sexy woods, Bash was trying to help Rowan’s family when they drugged him. They were convinced there was no way to stop The Darkness. So when it arrived, they had tied Bash up like a pig on a spick. They’d also tied up the world’s cutest baby goat. I mean, it was so cute that when The Darkness walked in, I screamed, “Not the goat! Take the people!” after which my roommate added, “Take Bash!” (She was kidding guys, don’t hate her.) But when Bash screamed out, Rowan made the mistake of looking at The Darkness, after which she was dragged through the woods. Now, Bash is out to fight this thing, and he’s looking to the castle for help.

Inside the castle, Mary was rocking an ah-mazing black dress and talking to Lola about getting pregnant and such. Lola informed her that they’re not Diane, Catherine, and Henry 2.0. Lola is her friend. And that’s why Mary told her not to marry Phillip. Perhaps she should wait for a man who, you know, likes women. So, now that she was still single and with a  lot on her mind, Lola found Greer, who was watching as her destiny — her future husband — pulled up in a carriage. All I have to say is: Team Leith. (Even though his name is Leith.)

Finally, Henry and Catherine had a chat about his new outlook on life. After getting a good night’s rest, Henry realized that women had been controlling him. But when he woke up and saw his crucifix on the wall and the sun reflecting off his crown, he remembered that he had been chosen by God to rule. He will continue to bend and break things as he pleases, with the lesson being about who’s king and who’s not. “Others will learn as well … soon enough.”

Like I said, I’m not one to want to die, but maybe we can arrange something? Okay, I’ll stop. What did you all think of the episode? I’m liking the intrigue around The Darkness even though some of those scenes felt a little rushed to me tonight. And I really hope there’s more of Greer and Leith, a.k.a. I hope he either never leaves or quickly returns. And powerful Henry is crazy, but in a good, dramatic way that I’m loving. (Please hump another woman out a window!)

Let me know what you thought in the comments!


“I much prefer Kenna’s mouth to be used for other purposes.” -Henry

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