Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic
Samantha Highfill
April 30, 2014 AT 03:52 PM EDT

For those of us who don’t get invited to the White House Correspondents Dinner (and are 100 percent bitter about it), the majority of the event’s fun comes from hearing which random trainwreck celebrities show up each year. Did Lindsay Lohan pop in again? What about Ozzy Osbourne?

So the bad news for all of us stuck at home on May 3 — again, totally bitter — is that 2014’s dinner is looking disappointingly normal. For starters, Joel McHale is serving as the evening’s entertainer, which sets a healthy, funny tone for the night. And whom will McHale be entertaining? The Wrap reports that Rosario Dawson, Julianna Margulies, David McCallum, Gloria Estefan, Sofia Vergara, Tony Goldwyn, and Madeline Stowe will be in attendance. Somebody call the cops, right? Wrong.

And if you thought that list was tame, other guests reportedly include Freida Pinto, Jessica Simpson, Darren Criss, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Hayden Panettiere, and Chip Esten. So at the very most, we’ve got a musical throwdown happening: Nashville vs. Pitch Perfect vs. Frozen vs. Glee vs. Jessica Simpson.

The real kicker? According to The Washington Post, Lupita Nyong’o is coming — so either way, this event just got a lot classier.

The real question: Why are all of the unpredictable celebs off this year’s list? We have two theories: A) It has something to do with this WHCD documentary that Deadline says is happening, or B) Everyone who’s looking to have a good time is saving their black-tie attire for another event: The Kimye wedding, which may technically happen this week.

All in all, it’s looking like a pretty tame, successful evening — and we are not happy about it. If tame were entertaining, then reality television wouldn’t exist. So here’s hoping that someone will show up and embarrass our beautiful nation; it’s the American way!

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