Know Your Summer-Festival Types |


Know Your Summer-Festival Types

As surely as weed clouds rise and porta potties overflow, every festival has its classic kooks; four of our favorite comedians -- Emily Heller, Eugene Mirman, Reggie Watts, and Kyle Dunnigan -- provide a helpful guide

1. The Ones Who Took All The Drugs
”There’s the bad kind and the good kind. The bad kind will bump into you and barf everywhere but stay in the thick of it. The good kind just go off and sit on a hill for a while. I feel like at every festival I see someone sitting alone, probably wearing a Cat in the Hat hat, just having the best time of anyone.” —Emily Heller

2. The Elderly Man With A Skirt And A Sword
”Actually, I’m describing a Viking who’s had a good run.” —Eugene Mirman

3. The Fashion Try-Hards
”They’ll spend a s—load of money on, like, really expensive cutoff shorts and distressed T-shirts and tank tops. Just the amount of brainpower that it took them to put together something that looks spontaneous…but you know they planned for weeks. It fools you until you see someone who’s actually spontaneous, and then you’re like, ‘Oh, no, that’s what that looks like. You just need to be dirty.”’ —Emily Heller

4. The Deadheads
”You’re gonna get Deadheads. Always. They’re very reliable in that way. They’ve had the most training of anybody.” —Reggie Watts

5. The Roaming Pack of Bros
”I think if you’re a guy, and there’s a group of people and there’s drugs, it seems like the perfect place to pick up girls. In these packs, there’s probably one date-rape dude. Be careful of that guy. He’s the one not wearing glasses, that’s how you know.” —Kyle Dunnigan

6. The Perma-Festers
”These are the people who spend their lives acting like they’re at a festival, so it’s just another day for them. But when they’re actually at a festival, it’s the only time they blend in. On a weekday in San Francisco, they all work at Starbucks. And then when the festival season’s over, I feel like they have tech jobs or they live in RVs. I don’t think there’s a happy medium there. They’re either techies or gypsies.” —Emily Heller

7. The Foodies
”I like the idea that 50 percent are there to see the Cure and 50 percent just want access to hand-cut fries.” —Eugene Mirman

8. The Happy Normals
”I always see people who seem super-boring but are having the time of their lives because they’re just there to prove their ex-girlfriend wrong about how boring they are. So it’s the first time they’ve had fun all year. They’re just sort of amazed that they’re in the proximity of fun — like they’re tourists in the realm of people who have fun on purpose.” —Emily Heller