Transformers: Age of Extinction is nothing like all those other Transformers movies. Like, do you know how many robot dinosaurs were in Transformers 1-3? Zero. And do you know how many robot dinosaurs are in Trans4mers? Approximately one million percent more, and they breathe fire, just like real dinosaurs. Just kidding! Everyone knows dinosaurs aren’t real. But the fourth Transformers movie is real. And it’s not just real: It’s reality.
Just check out TransformersAreDangerous.com, a new viral website with a URL that coincidentally reads like conventional wisdom among film critics. As the site confirms, Michael Bay is done screwing around. The cinematic provocateur has never shied away from controversy: The Rock was a daring portrait of the American penal system’s downward spiral. Pearl Harbor argued convincingly that World War II was total bummer, dude, big time. And Bad Boys II was a searing indictment of the war on drugs, or the war in Afghanistan, or one of those other wars. But that was mere prologue for Transformers: Age of Extinction, a film which is apparently turning giant toy robot cars into a metaphor for immigration. And civil rights. And, like, terrorism, y’know?
“KEEP EARTH HUMAN” screams the landing page, which then segues into a whole series of press clippings from around the world. Apparently, people are not happy with the Transformers. Remember in Transformers 3, when…wait, let me start over. So there was a third Transformers movie, and in that movie a lot of cars that are robots fought a lot of other cars that are robots. Except this time, they also destroyed Chicago. Three years later, Transformers-America is not happy about that. Why, just look at this news report, made by the good people at Fake News Central:
So now the Transformers are hated and feared, kind of like those X-Men in those movies about the X-Men, with the obvious difference that the X-Men were conceived as a civil rights allegory pretty early on, whereas the Transformers were conceived as cars that are robots and sometimes dinosaurs that are robots. And it’s not just America that’s mad. Look what Australia says:
The Australian Parliament! Held an emergency session! And the result was an official statement by Australia: TRANSFORMERS GO HOME!
Anyhow, Transformers: Age of X-tinction comes out on June 27, at which point we can hopefully all have a thoughtful conversation about how a person’s a person, no matter how small, no matter if they are a car that is a robot or a dinosaur that is a robot being ridden by a car that is a robot carrying a gigantic robot sword. For in truth, are we not all cars that are robots? Take it away, Grimlock: