On July 8, J.K. Rowling released a short, short story about grown-up Harry Potter and the Sequel She Swore She’d Never Write, and over in the magical land of central Florida, the Harry Potter theme park’s Diagon Alley expansion is entertaining six-hour lines on opening day. So apparently, it’s Harry Potter day, and to celebrate this completely random occasion, I’ve decided to do something equally arbitrary and sort a bunch of celebrities into the four houses of Hogwarts. Why? Art needs no reason.
First, the criteria. The Hogwarts houses are divided based on traits: Slytherins are cunning, ambitious, and resourceful. They are not evil, just misunderstood—they are perhaps just as likely to be watching Real Housewives as they are flocking to a Dark Mark. Hufflepuffs are hard-working, patient, loyal, and seem generally pleasant to be around; they are the kind of people you would invite to a barbecue and not have to worry about entertaining. Ravenclaws are intelligent, witty, and just overall smarter than you—and they will likely make sure you are aware of that. And Gryffindors are Gryffindors. There’s an unplaceable mystique with these paragons of society. Everyone wants to be a Gryffindor. Typically, if someone says, “I’m such a Gryffindor,” they’re really a Hufflepuff.
Also, it’s worth mentioning that only a small portion of the stars on this list would ever reach superstardom in the world of Harry Potter. Wizards are really into things like musicians and athletes and, weirdly enough, historians. Actors aren’t really a thing. Eschewing a Walk of Fame, wizard A-listers know they’ve made it when they’re featured on the back of a Chocolate Frog Card, likely because they either invented or killed something. And so, fame would elude most of this list, unless Meryl Streep has a secret background in slaying feral Hippogriffs (which is likely).
Using the power of imagination and a deep well of fully formed opinions about celebrities I’ve never met, I have chosen to act on my prejudices and make the painful decisions you didn’t know you needed made for you. Thus, here is a list of 150 celebrities and their unequivocal, indisputable placement in Hogwarts houses.
Bert from Sesame Street
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Ernie from Sesame Street
Sarah Jessica Parker
Tyra Banks in Life Size
Robert Downey Jr.
Harriet the Spy
Samuel L. Jackson
Tommy Lee Jones