”You can’t end every discussion by turning into a cat!” —Joanna (Julia Ormond), calling after shape-shifting sister Wendy (Mädchen Amick), on Witches of East End
”I’m not even sure if he has a penis.” —Sarah, lamenting her chaste overnight date with Robert, on Bachelor in Paradise
”I know that if she was here, she would want us to be here and be funny, and she’d probably want me to say, like, ‘Nice tie. Who made it, Calvin Clown?’ ‘I like that shirt. Does it come in men’s?’ ‘Oh my God, Jimmy, I love your hair. You have to tell me where you bought it.’ That’s for you, Joan.” —Sarah Silverman, paying tribute to Joan Rivers by roasting Kimmel, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
”Reiki? That’s the massage where they don’t touch you? Why would you pay someone to not touch you? There’s billions of people who will touch you for zero dollars.” —Josh (Josh Thomas), to his date, on Please Like Me
”According to a new study, the grunting noise tennis players sometimes make during matches can help their performance. Which I guess means my neighbors are pretty good tennis players.” —Seth Meyers on Late Night With Seth Meyers
”I believe your left hand gets jealous of your right. That’s about all I believe.” —Claire (Caitriona Balfe), incredulous over a clansman’s tale of two women fighting over him in bed, on Outlander
”We’re not gonna be eating poo, okay?” —Bella, explaining her plan for composting human waste, on Utopia
”Slimy is such an underrated texture.” —Judge Gail Simmons on Top Chef Duels