Tetris, in many respects, is a perfect video game. You can learn to play in minutes, it is wildly addictive, and it has one of the greatest jingles to ever jingle. Everyone knows Tetris, as they should. Tetris is great. So of course Tetris is going to be turned into a movie and forever ruined.
According to The Wall Street Journal, which somehow managed to report the news with a straight face, the movie is being produced by Threshold Entertainment, a company you may know if you’re a big fan of Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annhilation. According to Threshold CEO Larry Kasanoff, the planned Tetris movie has a story in place (the one thing the Tetris game doesn’t have) but no cast, crew, or director (all things a Tetris movie needs to have). But it’s okay, because the Tetris brand is the most important thing, and Threshold, with the Tetris Company’s help, has that in spades.
“Brands are the new stars of Hollywood,” said Kasanoff, probably with soul-crushing sincerity. He goes on to call Tetris (the movie) a “very big, epic sci-fi movie,” which is a very strange thing to say about a puzzle game gussied up in Russian iconography.
With language like that, it’s easy to be cynical about the Tetris movie’s fortunes. But maybe it’ll defeat the odds — with passion, talent, and a little luck, a good Tetris movie might just….fall in place.