EW Staff
October 31, 2014 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”He shed that one tear like Denzel in Glory, and I cried like Whoopi in Color Purple.” —Dre (Anthony Anderson), recalling spanking his eldest son, on black-ish

”$12,000? For $12,000 it better pick up the kids, wash the dishes, and let me finish first.” —Laura (Debra Messing), shocked at the cost of the handbag she’s borrowed, on The Mysteries of Laura

”Tonight I got a date with two hotties. Let me clarify: ‘Hotties’ is what I call Hot Pockets.” —Gil (John Gemberling), boasting about his evening plans, on Marry Me

”Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” —Taylor Swift in ”Blank Space”

”Was it like one of those classical love stories, like when, I don’t know, when Ross first saw Rachel? You know that show Friends?” —Zach Galifianakis, asking Brad Pitt about the first time he saw Angelina Jolie, on Between Two Ferns

”I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as ‘Slutty Madeleine Albright.”’ —Conan O’Brien on Twitter

”.@ConanOBrien I’m considering going as hunky Conan O’Brien – but that might be too far fetched.” —Madeleine Albright on Twitter

”When I was 16 years old, if you told me that one day you will have a TV show and Bill Murray will be on it, I would have said, ‘Oh my God. Do you think I’ll also have sex?”’ —Jimmy Kimmel, enthusing over securing Bill Murray as a guest, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

”People keep asking if I’m back. Yeah, I’m thinking I’m back.” —John Wick (Keanu Reeves), on coming out of hitman retirement, in John Wick

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