If you’re like some EW staffers (
who shall remain anonymous call me!), you’ve been using online dating for years, if not decades. (Match.com did launch in 1995, after all.) But it seems the small screen is just now catching up to today’s matchmaking mores—falling head over heels for faux dating apps and sites that bear a striking resemblance to services you may already be familiar with (cough Tinder cough). Here’s what to expect if you swipe right while watching New Girl, Marry Me, and more.
The show: A to Z
The site: Wallflower
What it is: The cutesy cousin of OkCupid where hopeless romantic Andrew (Ben Feldman) works.
Romantic prospects: 4 1/2 out of 5 hearts. Andrew and Zelda (Cristin Milioti) find each other thanks to the site…but only after straight Zelda is mistakenly set up with a woman.
The show: Marry Me
The site: Boobr
What it is: A matchmaker for lesbians, “like Grindr is for gay men or Tinder is for straight men and whores,” as Kay (Tymberlee Hill) helpfully explains.
Romantic prospects: 4 out of 5 hearts. “I thought we were gonna fight, but we ended up f—ing!” Kay enthuses after being “nip’d” on the app. Sapphic success story!
The show: New Girl
The site: Dice
What it is: Don’t confuse this shake-and-mate app with Tinder—as Schmidt (Max Greenfield) points out, users swipe up or down, not left or right. Nuance!
Romantic prospects: 3 out of 5 hearts. Perfect for lads hoping to score with three pieces of “nanny” per week; poor for ladies not too keen on beard braids and wolf sweatshirts.
The show: How to Get Away With Murder
The site: HumpR
What it is: HumpR may want to keep Annalise Keating (Viola Davis) on retainer in the event of a trademark infringement suit from Grindr.
Romantic prospects: 1 1/2 out of 5 hearts. Unfortunately, it seems you’re less likely to meet a shirtless hunk than you are a blabbering, biased juror.
The show: Stalker
The site: NoRulesDating.com
What it is: The online destination to find Mr. (or Ms.) Right Now.
Romantic prospects: 1/2 out of 5 hearts. Unless you consider home invasion a form of foreplay, best to steer clear of this unctuous URL.
The show: The Mysteries of Laura
The site: PassionPairing.com
What it is: The no-frills dating site’s motto is “Your soul mate could be just one click away.” Though based on what Laura (Debra Messing) finds, it should actually read “one cock of a gun away.”
Romantic prospects: 0 out of 5 hearts. You will be murdered.