Hillary Busis
November 07, 2014 AT 04:00 PM EST

In Texts from Jane Eyre, Mallory Ortberg imagines conversations between a host of different literary characters, authors, and innocent bystanders. (The one through-line? Most of them are terrible jerks.) Because the humorist and Toast cofounder is also a practiced Twitter whiz, we decided to give her another challenge: Sum up nine great works of fiction—yes, Sweet Valley High counts—without going over the site’s notoriously slim character limit. Here’s what she came up with. (P.S. High schoolers: You’re still gonna have to read the actual books.)

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