One of the greatest television traditions of the ’80s and ’90s was the annual Siskel & Ebert special that focused on the two critics’ picks for the worst movies of the year. Gene Siskel always introduced the show with some variation on this statement: “Each one of these films took two hours out of our lives — two hours we’ll never get back.”
The men of Rifftrax — Mystery Science Theater 3000 vets Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett — are carrying on that tradition by taking one last shot at some of the more notable films of 2015 with something they’re calling the Naughty List.
Because EW supports anybody willing to go to town on the unlikable mess that was Sinister 2, we’re happy to provide the Rifftrax cats a platform. And if you enjoy their comments on movies, be sure to catch the next edition of Rifftrax Live, which will take place at a theater near you on Thursday, Dec. 3 (and then replayed on Tuesday, Dec. 15). The target will be the notoriously weird stinker Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny. For more information and to get your tickets, head over to the Fathom Events website.
Check out the Rifftrax Naughty List below, and remember that their opinions do not reflect those of the management (though we’re fine with them burying Pixels on more time).
The Rifftrax Naughty List
“Budget cuts forced this big screen adaptation of Marvel’s Sinister Six villain team down to one third of the team’s original size. Audiences watched in horror as Vulture (Jonathan Silverman) moved in to a Manhattan loft with Kraven the Hunter (Andrew McCarthy) and the film slowly morphed into a buddy comedy. Many feel the low point occurred during a nine-minute montage of Vulture trying on Kraven’s signature leopard-print tights during which the song “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea played in its entirety 2 1/3 times.
“Described by many critics as ‘HBO’s Ballers, but for movies instead of sports,’ Entourage finally explored what it would be like if you had to pay 12 dollars to watch the antics of Vinnie, Turtle, E, Dr. Ama, ), U-God, and Alt-Tab instead of just borrowing your parents’ HBO Go login. There is Oscar buzz surrounding the performance of A Sentient, Angry Sack of Live Bait That is Two Days Past its Prime in a Toupee for its performance as Ari.”
“Liam Neeson expands his very particular set of skills to include ‘beating a dead horse’ and ‘cashing a paycheck.’ Audiences were excited for more adventures of federal agent Stack Taken (Catchphrase: ‘Take this job and take it!’) but were instead treated to a baffling shot-for-shot remake of the 1985 TV movie The Hugga Bunch, causing many to speculate that this might mark the end of the franchise… after probably just two more movies and then a reboot on whatever the hell Crackle is.”
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
“Well, Christmas is ruined. This entirely unnecessary remake is a direct insult to the groundbreaking, original Star Wars Holiday Special. The recasting is appalling: Daisy Ridley as Lumpy, Adam Driver as Itchy, Max von Sydow as Malla. The only saving grace is that a digital Andy Serkis will be filling the late Bea Arthur’s role as Ackmena.”
“The reviews are in. ‘Mother of God!’ says every single human who went to see this.”
Fifty Shades of Grey
“The scene: a boardroom at Universal Studios. A cigar chomping executive shouts at his underlings. ‘Take Twilight and dumb it way way down! What do I pay you people for anyway?!’
‘But, sir, Twilight is universally regarded as the most insipid thing ever written and… wait a minute. Wait just a minute! We could keep it nice and dumb and load it up with laughable S&M softcore porn!’
‘MAKE THAT MOVE!’”
“Hey, y’know how Kid Rock makes heaps of money with lazy songs that just remind people of older, better songs they really liked? What if we did that with Jurassic Park?”
“The movie that made even the most devout Johnny Depp fans stop and say, ‘Maybe we should’ve gone with Skeet Ulrich after all.’”
“Adam Sandler and company had the vision to take the concept of a Futurama episode and turn it into a movie. The clever twist? Unlike the Futurama episode, this version sucks.”