'Archer' reviews every James Bond film | EW.com

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Archer reviews every James Bond film

FX's superspy took over as EW's film critic and wrote reviews of all 24 Bond films

(FX)

[Read Archer’s 24 Bond movie reviews below] We asked FX’s superspy Sterling Archer to take a break from saving the world and nuking his liver to work as EW’s film critic this week. His assignment? Review every single James Bond movie! Not only did Sterling agree to solace our quantum, Archer showrunner Adam Reed and his team made a video of Sterling critiquing some of his favorites. The video is above, and below are ALL of his written reviews. Be sure to watch the return of Archer on March 31 as his team relocates to L.A. and opens a private detective agency. Now here’s Sterling:

1. Dr. No


 

“In the first film of the series, James Bond, played by Sean Connery’s eyebrows, goes to Jamaica and stops the evil Dr. No from disrupting the Project Mercury space launch.”

LIKE: “There’s a character named Puss Feller!”
DISLIKE: “Sean Connery has the arms of a 15-year-old boy. Seriously, it looks like he’s never even tried shower sex.” 

2. From Russia with Love

 

Bond must foil SPECTRE (Some Pretty Evil Cat-loving Terrorists who Ransom Everything)’s plan to steal a Lektor decoding device from the Soviets and sell it back to them.”
LIKE: “Bond gets attacked by a woman with poisonous toe-spikes, which are pretty much exactly ! what they sound like. Bond kills her (and the audience) with the line, ‘… she had her kicks.’ “

DISLIKE:Donald ‘Red’ Grant’s (Robert Shaw) distractingly small nipples.” 

3. Goldfinger

Image Credit: Everett Collection

 

“Bond must stop bullion dealer Auric Goldfinger, played by Gert Fröbe (talented violinist/Nazi), from breaking into the gold reserve at Fort Knox.”
LIKE: “Goldfinger’s personal pilot: Pussy Galore! One time I got a lap dance from a stripper named Lada Moning, but Pussy wins. Pussy always wins.”
DISLIKE: “The only thing worse than playing golf is watching people play golf.” 

4. Thunderball 

Image Credit: Everett Collection

 

“Bond is sent to recover two highjacked warheads in the Bahamas where he gets into an underwater battle that’s nine minutes too long.”
LIKE: “The classic line where a woman in a bathtub asks Bond, ‘… would you mind giving me something to put on?’ and he hands her a pair of heels. I tried that with Lana once and she stabbed me in the hand with a corkscrew.”
DISLIKE: “Bond gets thrown into a pool of sharks and doesn’t fight a single one. Way to give the people what they want, Connery.”

5. You Only Live Twice

 

“After the highjacking of an American spacecraft, Sean Connery, a 6-foot-2-inch Scotsman, is sent to Japan where he fools everybody by disguising himself as a Japanese fisherman.”
LIKE: “Written by Roald Dahl? Who knew!”
DISLIKE: “Bond tires to transform into a Japanese fisherman but he ends up looking like Spock. This is why I only do mustaches.”

6. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service


Image Credit: Everett Collection

 

“Bond goes to the Swiss Alps to track the head of SPECTRE, Blofeld, who has established a clinical allergy-research institute for female patients where the only cure is George Lazenby’s penis.”
LIKE: “ ‘Intense bobsled chase’ doesn’t seem like three words that should be next to each other but it totally works.”
DISLIKE: “George Lazenby’s ears. Did nobody have safety pins on set?” 

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