“If you think it’s bad now, take solace in the thought that in 25 years it’s gonna be so much worse,” Bill Maher said on HBO’s Real Time regarding the college debt crisis. In order to “level” with the recent crop of graduates, the comedian and host gave a fake commencement speech from the future.
In this projected future, two Kardashians have been president of the U.S., Canada built a wall to keep Americans out, Flint, Michigan’s tap water is still undrinkable, and the University of California is now the University of California Goldman Sachs.
“I’d love to tell you kids that the world is your oyster, but the oysters are all dead,” Maher said. If there’s any hope, it’s that the American people are resilient.
“Did we panic when Jesus returned to Earth, took one look at us and said, ‘F– you,’ and left? No,” he said. “We rallied around President Gaga and took solace in the words of Chief Justice McConaughey: ‘Alright, alright, alright.’”
Watch the fake commencement speech below.
Maher also called out the “overweighted gas bags and wisdom-free celebrities” for giving hopeful commencement speeches to “a bunch of spoiled, stoned, dead-laden brats.” Though he didn’t mention anyone by name, famous figures who gave addresses this year, include Ghostbusters director Paul Feig, Steven Spielberg, Hamilton’s Lin-Manuel Miranda, Oscar-winning actress Rita Moreno, and President Barack Obama.