Sean Evans

'Reunion Part 3'

The final portion of the reunion is sadly unfulfilling as there’s no sincere mea culpa from the lips of a drugged Vicki Gunvalson, no real come-to-Jesus moment (though the Lord’s name is frequently bandied about), and no real resolution to whether or not Brooks has cancer. While our dubious Housewives circle their prey like sharks waiting to chomp, we’re left with bloodless waters, though there were more than a few highlights.

The funnier fluff:

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'Reunion Part 2'

We’re back for a second helping of too much information with the ladies of Orange County. Things start to heat up a bit, and Jim Edmonds deigned to appear on camera beside his wife one last time, though — spoiler — he mostly vents about how poorly his prior filmed moments with the missus have gone. The highlights:

There’s a rehashing of all the moments that made you wince, though none are as cringe-worthy as when Andy asks Shannon, “Why did you decide to do a colonic hours before you were to wear white.” Gross, guys.

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'Reunion Part 1'

I hope you all channeled Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador and fixed yourself a nice tall glass of vodka…alongside a separate glass of ice chiseled from the crest of the Rocky Mountains…accompanied by two dozen lemons and limes, hand-selected by citrus connoisseurs before being flown in via private jet. Because part one of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion show needs some spicing up.

The more mundane updates:

Shannon gave herself a home colonic before this taping, and no part of the apparatus remained inside of her.

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'Baptism By Fire'

Tamra Judge is checking out the venue of her impending baptism and finds it to be the perfect backdrop for “the first step in a journey of over a year to wash away all my sins.” Uh, right. While many plotlines on this show feel overproduced and shoehorned, this one in particular strikes me as quite disingenuous, mostly because it was but a few short weeks ago when Tamra couldn’t pronounce the word “pastor” correctly, and was acting pretty un-Christian when cursing out Bricki and others at Shannon’s Aires party.

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'Satan Loves Confusion'

Vicki Gunvalson’s daughter, Briana, and son-in-law, Ryan, are at Vicki’s house, which means Brooks isn’t. Vicki outlines her plan to sell her insurance business to one of her kids or Ryan, who isn’t thrilled at that prospect. “Would you be a silent partner?” he says. Ryan, the only time Vicki is silent is when there’s alcohol in her mouth. Briana gets “a weird, nasty feeling when you walk through the door” of her mom’s house. That would be the aura of Brooks, away on business. “There’s like a musk,” she surmises, crinkling her nose.

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'Broken Records'

Shannon and David Beador go out for a date and we’re only 15 seconds into the episode before Shannon commands “vodka in a tall glass.” Next David and Shannon read the appetizer menu aloud, but Shannon can’t eat like she used to and most of this fried deliciousness is off limits. She says she worked out for “two hours today,” prompting a quick montage of her largely failed workout from earlier. Now they debate the fat content of various menu items with the waitress. Onto discussing who is on Shannon’s friendship list (Tamra and Heather) and who is not (Vicki). Riveting stuff, folks.

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'Suspicious Minds'

This week, we open at Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador’s weird astrological party where Tamra Judge is still on the warpath about Bricki. Tamra’s also still trying to find an audience to care about anything she’s saying. Womp, womp. Heather Dubrow thinks it’s time for a heart-to-heart with Vicki Gunvalson about her possibly-lying boyfriend. “I have always supported Brooks,” Heather begins before admitting she’s talked smack but not without good reason.

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'Fire Signs'

Heather Dubrow meets Meghan Edmonds at some bar for some “chard.” I pray that nickname never catches. We learn Hayley Edmonds threw a 200-person rager at her mom’s place while Meggers and Jim Edmonds were gone, trashing the homestead. Her punishment? Grounding and no summer music festival. Which is light, according to Heather. Her kids would lose their lives, essentially. Though in a mansion that large, they could throw a bash and you may never even know, Dubrow.

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'A Storm is Coming'

We open with Jim Edmond’s criticizing his wife’s cooking. Specifically, Meghan’s chopping abilities and methods. Hey Jim Edmonds: this woman is making you dinner. Does it matter how she cuts the ingredients? Across town, Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow sit down to a lunch or a dinner or some meal where Shannon gets to order an overcomplicated vodka beverage. Heather thinks this is the perfect time to talk more about her leeches and her bleeding for 24 straight hours and her coagulation rate, so she does.

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