Alone in the Dark (2005)

Image credit: Alone In The Dark: Chris Helcermanas-Benge

'ALONE IN THE DARK' ...is what you'll be if you pay to see this junk in the theater

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When the giant, intelligent bees of the future sift through the ashes of our civilization, they will find Alone in the Dark, and they will understand. It's so bad it's postmodern. It's about monsters that live in the dark and cause lights to flicker, making them roughly as terrifying as the Clapper. Oh, did I mention the zombies? On a related note, Alone stars Christian Slater, Tara Reid, and Stephen Dorff, all of whom do an excellent job maintaining consciousness — okay, except for Reid, who evokes the slower moments of Awakenings. This film-like mass was directed by Uwe Boll (House of the Dead), for whom elocution is not a priority. (One character seems to say, ''The knishes must be perfect! Otherwise there could be...consequences.'') Far be it from me to dismiss a man's effort in a sentence, but the film on your teeth after a three-day drunk possesses more cinematic value.